after what happened - what i did to her, i didn't expect thea to show up at the airport.
but she did.
(do i still have to mention him? yeah, he's also there beside her.)
it pains me even more to see how her face fell when she saw me stepping out of the arrival gate.
i know how much of a mess i look like. dark circles and eyebags more prominent that even my thick rimmed glasses couldn't hide, my lips are chapped due to myself being very poor in maintaining proper hydration, and i think i lost a pound or two.
"what happened to you?"
i'm too much of a coward to see her face so my eyes were glued to the ground. i stayed silent.
"did you go back to smoking?" she took a whiff of my shirt. damn it, i shouldn't have smoked before flying back.
"can we just talk at home? and why is he here?"
apparently, he was our designated driver. the trip back to our house was silent. she had chosen to talk to him instead of me. great choice.
why is she acting so... normal?
i plugged my earphones and spent the rest of the drive listening to future bass beats until i fell asleep.
the dreaded conversation happened during dinner.
she asked me a couple of things, mainly about my trip and i answered them briefly. then she brought him back to our conversation.
"why do you dislike him that much? he's not a bad person-"
that was my last straw.
"i don't like him because he's the reason behind your smile for a week, he's always there for you for the past month too while i'm busy with my work, i hate that i couldn't be the person you share lunch with almost every single day and i messed up really bad. i'm only capable of making things worse."
she's silent after my outburst.
"if you're talking about smoking-"
"no, not just that." i couldn't keep it from her any longer. lying has been one of my weakness, after all.
i list down all of the reckless things i did abroad and i made her cry. and i'm giving my all to hold myself back from crying.
"you know, i tried to act normal earlier thinking that you'd do the same so we can pretend that the stupid fight didn't happen, we could go back to being who we were before this mess happened but, who are you?" she's laughing amidst her crying, and her words comes out as she wheezed. i tried to hold her in my arms but she took a step back as i apologized and she's not having any of it.
i know. i would be fuming if i were her, too.
"you're not the man i'm in love with."
"the dion i know won't jump into conclusions that fast and think that i had something going on with a mere friend, he wouldn't accuse me of such thing and he wouldn't yell at me." she continues to say all of the things i did that hurt her. i let her speak.
"..... and he wouldn't have gotten wasted and slept around with strangers just because he was too much of a coward to set things straight with his loved one."
i've lost the ability to speak, it seems.
"this hurts a lot more than you think. i thought you trusted me. i trusted you."
i set my gaze down. i can't bear the look of disappointment in her eyes. how crestfallen she looks and sounds while she's struggling to keep her own voice from failing her.
"i would rather have you asking for a break up than whatever this is. are you done hurting me?"
"thea, i-" she keeps on cutting me off whenever i try to reply.
"is it not enough with me bearing you and your difficult ass who couldn't say i love you?"
"i beared with it all because i believe that one day you would be able to tell me as you promised."
"but now i'm not so sure anymore."
it feels like there's something stuck in my throat and my tongue feels heavy. i don't have anything else to say because she's right. i'm the fool here who had completely wasted someone's trust and put it away in a trash bin.
at this rate even those three words won't suffice. it has no context if i say it now. it's not equal to i'm sorry or please forgive me.
do i even deserve her forgiveness? no, i don't.
i don't know what to do and how to fix this. i love her, i do. i cherish her more than anything, more than myself. and i don't want to lose her.
and apparently i've said all of my thoughts out loud.
she's sniffling into my chest now, i could feel her body trembling and i forget how to breathe. she hugs me tight and it snaps me out of my daze.
"no matter how much pain you've brought to my chest, i'm unable to walk away from you." she looks up at me. her eyes are puffy and red, the same goes to her runny nose.
"it still hurts, though. so bad."
"but i'll help you fix this mess- we'll fix this."
at times like this, she's still the one who tries to fix me. although everything is my fault, she's always the one taking the first move to make things right.
"i don't want you to think that i'm saying this to get an easy way out. i messed up big time but you're still the one who owns my heart so i want you to know that i love you."
thea has stopped sobbing and she's listening to my words carefully.
"i love you so much that i considered to stay behind but you pushed me to go and said that work comes first."
my hands are shaky when i try to carress her cheeks and wipe away the dried tears.
"the thought of being alone- being without you scares me and i'm so afraid to lose you to him."
"i'm afraid of someone else taking away the woman that i love, that i've been in love with for all this time and i can't imagine my life without you."
and the words she's been dying to hear finally escapes my mouth.
"i love you, i mean it."
