it's going downhil.
ever since our small argument on the phone i can feel this relationship going downhill. why can't he say a simple i love you? every time i try to ask him why, he always shrugs it off. i know there's something more to it but i can't seem to be able to push him hard enough.
bram has been the one helping me through my thesis, we hung around often and i get why dion could get jealous. still, i would never break his faith in me. i love him too much and that's the main reason why i'm still with him after a year without an i love you spoken out of his mouth.
but there was this one time....
it was late at night so bram offered to drop me off at my house. we finished most of our assignments already, that's always a good thing. i was about to step out of the car and bid him a goodbye until he inches himself closer to me, his eyes were searching something in mine and i think he didn't find what he was looking for.
i was in a daze for a split second before my gears shifted and a "no." was out from my mouth. with that, he retracted himself back to his seat. things were awkward for a minute until his apology came.
"i'm sorry- i shouldn't have-"
"yeah. don't do it again, please?"
"okay. yeah. once again, i'm sorry."
thank god, he understands.
and it was this moment that kept replaying inside my head for the next few days. should i tell dion? or not?
the second argument was the most memorable and not in a good way. it appears that he's becoming more and more insecure each day and he's starting to question regarding my relationship with bram again.
i didn't give him the answer that he wanted so he raised his voice. it was the first time it happened and i didn't know how to handle it. i was incredibly hurt. sure, we've had our own bad days where we argue but it's mostly small debates with logical reasoning and not the both of us shouting at the end of the line. he seems rather off. i don't want to think too much.
i was still upset at him but i tried to make things right again. i picked him up at the airport with bram who agreed to drive me there since i couldn't drive.
i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw him. he looks like a wreck. his dark circles became more prominent and his cheeks are rather sunken in. when i put my arms around him, my nose picks up a smell of something i haven't smelled in a long time - not from him.
"did you go back to smoking?" i had asked but he wanted to talk at home so i agreed.
it was more than a mess. another argument, more hurtful words being thrown around carelessly. i regretted some of the words i said. i guess he did, too. but all the damage has been done. a u turn is not possible at this rate.
i don't want to assume things but he really seems off.
and it's getting worse; his moodswings. it's more difficult to handle now. i'm considered as someone who has a lot of patience but this is draining a lot of my mental energy.
however, i'm not that heartless to leave him alone when his mood fluctuates every few minutes and that there's no one that can help him at this moment other than myself. still, i don't know what's happening and why it's happening. i have to help him somehow. i want to.
it breaks my heart to see him like this. it's so unlike him. or is it the real him? i have no idea.
when i arrived in his room, he's already unleashing his fits of rage and some things are being thrown around. i had to step in only to stop him from breaking a bottle of wine that was somehow on his bedside table.
"dion, stop this!" i manage to take a hold of the bottle. it's empty.
"you- don't step into my room again. go away!" he's yelling at me. again.
"what upsets you? tell me." i try my best to coax him but he's not listening at all.
"i said go away!"
"stop pushing me away! i want to help!"
i hate that the only way i could get my words through is by shouting back at him. my chest feels tight and i don't know how much longer i can hold my composure.
"i don't need help." when he's not shouting, his words comes out cold. it doesn't sound like the dion i know.
"please tell me what's wrong..."
"you didn't tell me that he's the one that drove you home yesterday when i couldn't." he's sitting on the edge of the bed now. i put the bottle down and carefully make my way towards him.
oh, he's talking about bram.
"i'm sorry, i didn't think that i have to tell you-"
"of course you have to!" he raised his tone again and it surprises the both of us. a short apology slipped through his mouth after.
"okay, i was wrong. i should've told you. if it happens again, i'll be sure to tell you."
"i won't let it happen again."
and the room is quiet. he pulls me into his embrace. it's good to know that he's still the same guy i fell in love with who has the warmest hugs.
that doesn't mean i'm able to forget how many times he had shouted at me during the past few weeks in our stupid arguments.
oh god, what is happening?
