Just Venting

Letting it Go

How she made me feel was just awful. She didn't mind hurting a child. I hated her more than anything. Just like she hates me. She started making up lies about me, a 13 year old. She did that to turn my dad against me. Jennifer started calling me anorexic and I heard her call me fat. Just once did she call me fat.

I started believing it. I looked.... stared at myself naked in the mirror before a shower, before bed, in the mornings. I was fat. I wanted her to swallow her words.

I began making myself vomit. I now had Balimia Nervosa. I made myself throw up everytime I was outside by myself, in the shower, or in the bathroom.

I guess she saw me throwing up outside one time or whatever, but I had stopped eating my usual amount of dinner and breakfast. I refused snacks and didn't eat lunch at school sometimes. Everytime I was offered food, I denied it.

One night at dinner she asked me if I wanted seconds and I said no, I am full. I wasn't. She practically yelled it to the world. She called me baliamic. I looked at her in disgust and realized. She didn't eat dinner. Neither did he last night.

She was a dirty hypocrite. She never ate. And her skin was yellow and her face was partially pale. She was getting skinnier too. She was so ugly. Inside and out.

I still believed I was fat. I still hated myself more than anything and I began hating my personality more. I thought I was useless and annoying and ugly. I wrote several lists of things I didn't like about myself. I then started cutting. I used tweezers and bobby pins to unscrew pencil sharpeners.

I got really bad.

I never did it on my wrists. I always did it on my thighs and a few on my ankles. It got deeper and deeper every night. I knew I deserved it.

I guess I was not too smart about it. My blade collection was not hidden well and blood always soaked through my jeans in straight dotted lines.

She found out and told my dad. He cried and asked me why. I never told him and he doesn't know how she made me feel. Since in my diary i wrote a lot about missing Meredeth and what not. They assumed I cut because I missed her, so I was sent back with my mom. The sick thing was... my dad was completelty unaware. It was the day my mom showed up that he knew.