Just Venting

Starting the Feel

I am a loser. I wish I was never born. I hate myself so much.

My mother was a drug addict. By that, she smoked cigarettes and drugs, took pills, and drank. She was sixteen when she got pregnant with my oldest sister and her twin. When she was six months pregnant with both of them, the brother died because my sister took all the nutrients from him and he was suffocated. My sister came out being about eight pounds. My mother was also a whore, so the father was one of two people. Her name is Makaila and growing up she had/has several mental disorders. When she was younger, around 6-11, she saw dead people and had bipolar, skitzofrenia, no clue how to spell, and multiple personality disorder. She often beat me and my other two sisters. I was once choked against a wall because she let her extreme OCD take control. And her tantrums were uncontrollable. She was like twelve and threw two full gatorade bottles out the window. She is now seventeen and has had three miscarrages. She lives with our moms mom and has cut contact from our mother.

My second oldest sister was born half dead. Her cord was around her neck three times and her foot was crooked. Our mother had her when she was 18 and 19. Her father used to beat our mother. When she started walking, it was in circles. She has broken just about every bone, not really. Her name is Meredeth. She doesnt have mental disorders like Makaila, but other things. She is kind of a bitch and I dont mind calling her a whore. She has always been a brainiac with dreams that have a chance. We used to be really close when I was about ten and eleven. Not anymore. She is now fifteen.

Then it's me, but I am last.

The youngest, my only full blood sibling. Our mother and father were married when she had her. Our parents were about 23 when she was born. She was born nearly nine pounds. She had a health problem. She had a odd sized kidney. When she was four, she had surgery and if she didn't then she wouldn't be alive. Her name is Vadell. She is a mommas girl. She is chunky. Always has been. Makaila is just thick. She doesnt have any serious mental disorders. She is a big instigator and always tries to start a fight. We have fought several times and I beat her... everytime. She is now twelve.

I was born the healthiest. My parents were happiest when I was around. My dad favored me. They were around 21 when I was born. I had no health problems. No mental problems growing up unlike Makaila. When I was about 8 and 9. The thing with me was that I was bisexual and I didn't know it. I made out with my best friend once. Her name was Hailey. I didn't even have a real religion. My grandma took me to church, but I didn't quite feel it. I was pretty happy. My grades were always pretty good and I wanted to become a professional cheerleader. I did some stunts with my friends and sisters, but I guess I didn't give it all. My name is Alxandria Nickole Phillips. I am 14.

I wanted to play soccer, tennis, and mainly cheer. My parents didn't divorce, but separated when I was six. I was a daddys girl so imagine that. My grades... everything changed after the summer after fifth grade.

Growing up after my parents split, I went back and forth. I was with my mom mainly until I was 8 then it began. I never stayed with one parent for more than a year and a half. Always in a different house. I never had a home. I have gone to nine schools. Had four best friends and they forgot me. All of them have. Until I was thirteen and friended them on Facebook.

The summer after fifth grade I was with my mom and we just moved from florida after almost a year.

Growing up I hated it. I was always called short, midget, dwarf, and people started coming up with nicknames for me. Yay. Really? I know I am short don't point it out. People felt like they had to "Oh my god, youre so short" No duh bitch I appreciate it. I never skipped a year without that. since third grade. I am going into ninth.

That was the first summer I self harmed and smoked weed and snuck out. I smoked it with Meredeth, Her ex-girlfriends sister Olivia, And a couple of their friends.

The self harm was just a dumb game at first, then i liked it. You scratched your skin really fast back and forth with your nails. You said the alphabet and a word beginning with that letter. Instead of normal words we used cus words. And after that summer. Even though it wasn't really anything, I thought, Stuff changed. I started smoking cigarettes and drinking, practically daily.

Then near the end of sixth grade, I moved with my dad and his girlfriend. Her name was Jennifer.

When I lived with them last I was eight and nine. They had two boys together. The first was a year and a month older than me. He was in foster care and I have never met him. His name is Tristen. The other one was one year old and his name was calvin. I called him bubba. I practically raised him. I helped potty train, watched him alone for hours, played with him, changed his diaper, feed him, took him out of his bed in the mornings and picked up his room. Yeah, what a life for a eight year old. Of course my friends didn't know. I only had five people I called friends.

My dad and Jennifer did drugs. Thats why Jennifer only had one of her four children. one of them doesnt even know she is adopted. It was all cool. and i didn't mind caring for my brother.

I went back right after I turned twelve and cried the first month mainly because I missed Meredeth. I used to think she was perfect. She was my role model and I loved her. After awhile of living there I still snuck an occassional cigarette every once in a while. I didn't get addicted, never to anything. I got friends and everything. And me and Jennifer had always been pretty cool. Then she began favoring Vadell and I started getting treated worse and worse.

She read my diary. You never do that to a child. I wrote personal stuff. She read what I wrote. I wrote about my dreams, crushes, and smoking. I began writing my hate for her and knew she would read it. I began writing notes. Like I know you are reading this. When I was thirteen...

I had lived there for a year. I had gotten sick of how she treated me and began just assuming that everyone hated me secretly. She ruined me. I became very depressed and began hating myself. I tried to run away three times then turned on the second because I was seen trespassing and ran. I was so hurt.