Iron Vengeance

Chapter Seven: Fade to Black

        I wake up, wrapped in someone's arms. I look up to Steve, his eyes still clamped shut. A wave of depression crashes over me, plaguing my mind. It's nothing like I've ever felt before. I lost my drive. I lost my motivation. I've lost the will to live. I've lost the power to love, to smile, to laugh or make a corny joke.  Overwhelming sadness takes over my brain, making me hate my life, but mostly myself.

         I could have saved him. Why didn't I try? This is all my fault. I'm worthless, useless, pointless. I don't deserve to be happy when I caused so much pain for so many other people. This is all my fault. What is even the point of trying to continue in life when I only think of myself? I hate myself. I can't stand myself! Is causing pain for other people the only thing that I can do with my life? This is all my fault! I hate me! Why am I the way I am?

        Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I was gone. Just dead in the ground and out of their lives forever. No one would even notice that I'm gone. I don't matter to anyone. Everyone would carry on with their lives, forgetting the girl whose world crumbled down in a matter of 18 hours. I'm so stupid and dumb. Why can't everything just fade to black? Why can't my life just be how it used to be? I want my dad back. I miss him, and it's all my fault he's gone. I got myself into this. I caused myself this pain. I hurt way too many people, including Steve. I can't hurt Steve. He's been through way too much for a stupid girl like me to cause him even more pain. It would be so much better if I was just out of everyone's lives forever.

        Jaylinn has other friends that she would hang out with. Mom would surely remarry and possibly have another kid. Steve would find someone else and be happy and content with life. I mean, his biggest annoyance would be out of the way. Coulson wouldn't even be impacted. Natasha would probably celebrate and dance on my grave. Clint would join her. Bruce would just continue his research, not even phased by the tragic girl who took her life. The truth is, I don't matter to anyone. Let me slip out of their minds forever. It would be doing them a great justice. Saving them the trouble of trying to glue a broken girl back together.

        My anger builds up and I know that I'm going to explode.  I wiggle myself out of Steve's arms as gently as possible, trying hard not to wake him. I brush through my hair quickly and pull it into a ponytail. I slip on my Converse and run out his door. I take a lot of turns, sprinting through the halls, begging to find the gym. I finally find it and open up the door. It's dead silent, the air stale. I close the door behind me and walk over to the boxing station.

        I wrap my hands up with tape and shove headphones into my ears. I scroll through my songs, landing on Symphony of Destruction by Megadeath. I deliver a punch to the bag, my emotions raging. My punches become quicker and quicker, matching the beat of the song. I grit my teeth, punching harder and harder. My swing my leg, delivering a hard kick to the bag. I punch away everything I feeling, letting it fade to black. Tears stain my face as I punch. I kick the bag again, it teetering on the chains. I narrow my eyes at it and kick it again. It flies off the chains and to the ground, bursting open. I  stand there in disbelief. My quick breathing slowly fades to a normal pace. I take my headphones out of my ears and wrap them around my neck.

        "Jet?"

        I jump startled by the voice. I turn around to find Steve. He has a look of regret on his face, still in his pajamas, bed head still visible. I glance at the exploded bag and turn back to him.I swallow the stale saliva in my mouth and walk towards him.

        "What is it Steve?" I say. I notice tears on his waterline. "Did you have another nightmare?"

        "I wish." Steve says quietly.

        "Then what is it?"

        "It's your mom." My pace quickens and my stomach churns, anxiety surging through my viens.

        "What about her Steve?"        

        "She was killed last night." I back away from him, tears licking at my waterline.

        "No. No you're kidding. You have to be kidding. She would never!" I say.

        "I'm not kidding Jet. She was killed by the same people that killed your father." Steve says, staring at the ground.

        "No. No. Oh god no. No! This can't be happening!  STEVE PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE!" I yell. Steve shakes his head, tears cascading down his face.

        "NO! NO YOU'RE KIDDING YOU HAVE TO BE! SHE CAN'T BE GONE! SHE'S MY MOM! SHE CAN'T BE GONE!"  I scream, tears flowing like a river down my face. I slip into a state of full on hysterics. I back up until I trip on the bag, falling to the ground. I pull my knees into my chest, sobbing into them. Steve sits next to me. I crawl into his lap and wrap my legs around his torso. Sobs rack my body, leaving me struggling for breaths.

        "WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE?" I plead. Steve tightens his arms around me.

        "I FUCK EVERYTHING UP! WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! WHY IS CAUSING PAIN THE ONLY THING I CAN DO RIGHT IN MY LIFE?! I HATE MYSELF!" I yell through sobs. "I CAN NEVER BE IRON MAN! I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UPHOLD THE PROMISE THAT I GAVE HIM!"

        "Jet this is not your fault and there is no reason to blame yourself." Steve says in a tone that makes me listen.

        "I could have saved him if I had just thought a little quicker!"

        "Jet, you did everything you could have."

        "NO I DIDN'T! I'M A FAILURE! JUST LET ME DIE!" A sob escapes Steve's lips as he hugs me tighter.

        "Please Jet. Don't do this to me." he pleads.          

        "I'm just saving you the pain you will have later. I just want to die." There's a sharp pinch in my arm and I start getting sleepy. Steve sobs into my shoulder, soaking his t-shirt that I slept in.

        "Mom." escapes from my lips before I pass out, everything finally fading to black.