Letters To My Men

Alex (a sweet thank you)

The story with Alex is bittersweet and I have yet to finish it. It started in grade 10. I had just moved schools, countries, everything was new and exciting. I still laugh when I remember my father's last words before leaving me for my first year abroad; "remember you are here to study, do not distract yourself with boys". He still does not know about Alex.
Alex is the lucky who owns the title of "the first". I had boyfriends before him but they were elementary school games. With Alex, things were a bit more serious. When we met, I did not think much of him. I thought he was cute, but in a childlike way. He is small, thin and has a very arrogant attitude that emanates from him every time he opens his mouth. At first, he was not interested in me either, but after being rejected by two girls after freshers week, he started to see things in me that I had not even seen in myself before.
"What got me was your kindness", he told me one day. Not a word I would use to describe myself but I took it.
When we made it official, I was not even in love with him. I had known the guy for three, maybe four weeks. But it was a new year and I was determined to have a boyfriend. I told all my friends about him. They went nuts.

Alex was rather dumb. And not school-wise, I actually owe my 86% final grade in math to him. But he was just generally dumb. To think of it, there were a lot of things about him that were rather unpleasant. We couldn't talk politics without him threatening to breakup, his breath always stank terribly after eating the cafeteria's beef (something he would eat twice a week), his teeth were yellow, he is a devoted alcoholic, he had an obsession with grabbing my butt at really inappropriate time and places, it was almost impossible to have a deep conversation with him, and he was very jealous. It was almost too much. He got mad at me once for tapping a guy on the shoulder. I'm talking blocking me on facebook mad.

But to be fair, Alex was still a really good boyfriend. He was patient with me. I had him on probation for a month before kissing him and he never questioned me. He boosted my self confidence constantly and tried to impress my mother and my friends at home. He got me a nice necklace for my birthday, he made sure my feet and hands were warm during winter, he made sure I got enough sleep. He cared.

But still, Alex was very dumb. Just remember this.

At one point it hit me. "Jesus, I have a boyfriend. Is he going to want to have sex with me?" The fear of contracting HIV or Herpes was a reality. As a hypochondriac, I refused to take a risk. I asked him if he was a virgin. He said no. This made me panic.

"He has so much experience, he is going to want me to have sex with him and I will be terrible and he will breakup with me. He isn't a virgin meaning he could have gotten something, a terrible disease. Oh mother, save me. What about oral sex? No! Oral sex will be a nightmare. I don't know anything!!!!!"

I was so scared to screw things up, sexually, that I refused to do anything with him.

Haha.

Silly, silly Alex. He was, in fact, a virgin. He had lied about not being one. If he had told me the truth, I would have slept with him without thinking about it. Now he regrets it.

When we left home for christmas break, he made sure to talk to me every single day. He would spend hours on the phone until I fell asleep.

"What do you expect from me?", I asked one day, in fear of the forbidden word (sex!).
"Well, I'd like if you at least gave me head", he muttered.

And at that time I knew our time together was limited. It was only a matter of time before he got too tired of my lack of sexual initiative.

So, about five months later, we broke up.

To be fair, I was impressed he lasted that long.

Still. We broke up because I was too slow at sucking his dick.

Well, that's not what he would tell you, neither what he told me. But I know it's true. Truly, our breakup was a complex process of compromises and concessions and getting back-togethers and slip offs. But in the end we both agreed to go separate ways.

I cried over him for a day and no more.

Till this day, I am still very fond of Alex. He was the one who showed me what love can feel like. And even though I doubt to have felt love with such an intensity as with his successor, I still owe him the introduction to this hellish but equally exciting sensation. As I said before, our story is not over yet, and I know for a fact that it will be forced to end thanks to the distance that will physically set us apart. Sometimes I still think about the idea of being with him, but I know it's because how comfortable we are with each other.

The love I once felt for him (even if it was brief) is gone.