Letters To My Men

Closure Pt. II

The summer when Fried Noodles graduated was one of the worst summers of my life. Besides him, all of my other friends were also leaving for college and I was staying in high school. I had no friends in my grade. I still don't. Grade 12 was going to be a hell.

I was sad most of the time. It got to a point where I would drink wine by myself, locked inside the bathroom, crying on the shower floor. It was on one of these nights when I realized that if I was going to go through senior year without my friends, I had to at least get over him. Otherwise, I'd be too much for me to handle.

So I tried to get over him. I would go out and kiss random guys in hopes to get him out of my head, but every single time a man touched me I just wished with my entire soul that it were him. I tried hard to let him go. Most of the times, I would just go out to come back home and cry.

Eventually, I started accepting reality. We would not see each other again, so why suffer? I had to accept that I would never get the closure that I wanted and move on.Days passed and, although he did cross my mind a couple of times and I would have dreams of him, the thought of him became less and less. I did no longer remember his face or the sound of his voice. I deleted all pictures of him and deleted him from social media.

By the time school started, I truly thought I was over him.

But as I mentioned, life is full of unexpected turns.

In October, I went to Toronto to visit some friends. I knew he lived there, but I did not know where. And I truly, deeply, whole heartedly thought that I was over him, so I told myself I did not want to see him. The break was fun. I hung out with the people I love the most and did what we loved the most. He was off my mind.

"Close your eyes"
"What?"
"Just close your eyes for 10 seconds"
"No, I don't trust you."

My friends and I were eating at the mall when one of them suddenly asked me to cover my eyes. I refused but he insisted, and as I turned my head for him to leave me alone, I saw Fried Noodles, making his way into the entrance.

Nothing happened. He didn't see me, he didn't acknowledge me. He just walked by.

"Are you okay?"

That day, I knew I wasn't over him. My heart was beating fast, I turned bright red. It was not even my mind forcing myself to like him. I physically reacted to his presence. I could not ignore that.

I spent months after wishing to see him again, because I knew I still cared and I knew I had to resolve the many things that were left unresolved. I needed answers. I needed that closure.