A Broken Act

Act XVIII

"Good day, Sir. How may I help you?"

"Could you give me a bouquet of red roses and lilies?"

The girl at the counter nodded with a smile, excusing herself before she went to grab the things that she needed. The place was filled with different types of flowers—what would you fucking expect from a flower shop—ranging from different colors, filling the space in sweet floral smell. I watched as the girl prepared the bouquet that I asked for, hands working expertly as I waited for her to finish. It didn't take long until she gave it to me. Giving her the payment, I thanked her before I went out.

I hailed a cab. I kept my eyes glued to the window, watching as the colors blend and people pass by in a blur. My hands were firmly resting on my lap. It has been so long since I last visited her.

The cab stopped before I even noticed that we arrived. Once I handed the driver my payment, I was already out of the cab and making my way towards the place where she was resting. The cemetery still looked well kept. The grave where my mother lies wasn't far from the entrance so I was able to reach it after a minute.

Knowing that I wouldn't be needed for the rest of the day, I told Hange to excuse myself to Erwin and went to visit my mother's grave. Now as I sat in front of her in silence, the feeling of longing accompanied by peace crashed onto me. I placed the bouquet on top of her tombstone, sliding my hand where her name was engraved.

"Hey, Ma. It has been so long. How're you?" I knew that she wouldn't answer, but I kept on talking, my eyes glued to her name. "Life's really hard without you. I know that it has been years since you left me, but I still miss you."

I sighed. I was contemplating whether I should tell her about Eren, but if she really was watching me like she told me before she died, then she would know every single thing about his reappearance.

"Eren, that fucker. He came back. He re-entered my life like the damn nuisance he really was. Again, it was hard to see him after keeping myself away from him for years. I thought that I could handle being around him again like I forgot that we were even together before, but I didn't. I cried like a fucking baby in front of him. Fucking pathetic, right?" I let out a chuckle, but it wasn't as lighthearted as I intended it to be.

I could imagine her clearly. Looking at me with a small frown, telling me to watch my language before she would ruffle my hair lovingly. My heart ached for her. I missed her.

"I hated him, Ma. I even stayed away from him and avoided talking to him as much as I could. Hell, I was also being an ass to him most of the times. So tell me, why does my subconscious worry over him? Why. . . why does a part of me miss being with him?

"I don't love him, Ma. My love for him disappeared years ago. But I couldn't deny that I also miss him. I couldn't hate him completely no matter how much I told not only to him but myself that I hate him. There's a part in me that's hoping that we could fix the friendship that we had before.

"Hange, that Shitty Glasses, even though they were too much to handle most of the times, I couldn't deny that they give the best advices when needed."

I let out another sigh. "I don't know what happened to him, Ma, but I could see that he wasn't the same as before. Most of the days, he looked like he has the world on his shoulder. His eyes weren't as bright as they were before. I could see him smile or laugh, but it didn't reach his eyes or sound as free before. I don't know what happened, but I want to know. I also want to see Carla again. She has been like a second mother to me. I know that she also miss you, Ma."

I stayed there for another hour, just sitting there in silence or occasionally humming to myself. I got the feeling that someone was looking at me from a distance so I looked around, eyebrows furrowed in a frown. There wasn't a single soul in here except myself.