Lift // Hamliza

• chapter 40 •

• Alexander •

"What?" My voice sounded broken and hoarse in my throat, and I pinched myself to make sure this was actually happening.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Hamilton. Stage four brain cancer. Would you like to start talking about how it'll affect you and treatment options right away or do you want to tell your family first?" The doctor asked. I took a deep breath in and replied that I needed to tell everyone. He nodded and left the room.

I remembered John was with me when I felt his hand on top of mine.

"Alex..." He said quietly, looking almost afraid that if he said anything, it would cause me to fall apart. Little did he know that just saying my name would be all it took.

The tears came slowly at first. It wasn't like when I was talking with Eliza last night, it came all at once then. I felt the hot tears drip down my face as I gave into the pain that I'd been pushing away all day. I thought more and more about what would happen to me now that I knew I had cancer.

I began to breathe heavily, my chest feeling constructed and my head pounding. How was I going to do this? I'm not even 18, I can't deal with this! I descended further into a panic attack as thoughts overwhelmed everything.

Vaguely, I felt John move onto the bed with me. He's been with me many times before during my panic attacks; in fact, before I started dating Eliza, I would call him everytime I was anxious or about to have a panic attack because he knew how to calm me down. I'm lucky that he's here with me.

But despite having him with me, I can't think straight. I can't focus on anything and my thoughts are overtaking me. I felt like I was being swallowed whole.

I jumped as I felt the blankets being put around me, and John wrapped his arms around me gently, hugging me close. He spoke quietly as he hugged me, telling me over and over that he was here and it would all be okay and that everyone is going to help me through this. Slowly but surely, my breathing began to slow down and my eyes became dry.

After who knows how long, John and I were sitting together in silence on the bed. I counted the ceiling lies about five hundred times, not wanting to speak or do anything. John stayed on the bed so he could help comfort me if I had another panic attack. He was on his phone, texting everyone in a big group chat, presumably about me and all the cancer stuff. I saw my phone light up and buzz hundreds of times. I didn't get up to get it.

I heard crying coming from down the hallway but kept counting the tiles. It turns out the crying was from Eliza, which I found out when she burst into the room. I didn't move when she came in, just stayed laying on the bed. She quickly greeted John, who waved back, then sat in the chair and began to smother me with kisses all over my face.

"Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry. Have they talked about treatment or... survival rates yet?" She asked. I felt emotionless.

"No." I muttered, letting her kiss me and cuddle me. I assumed it was more of a way for her to comfort herself rather than me, but I don't think she knew that. I didn't mind.

"Have you talked to anyone else yet? They're calling and texting you like crazy. Where's your phone?" She questioned, and I just pointed across the room to it. She brought it over to me and watched as I scrolled through my messages and missed calls.

It looked like everyone had called at least three times, and there were hundreds of texts from everyone individually. Many of the most recent messages were anxious check-in's, with things like "Are you alright?" or "Please answer, we're worried about you Alex."

I clicked onto the group chat and sent two words.

"I'm fine."

And then I shut my phone off once more. I don't know why I was feeling like this. So apathetic and careless. First I was panicked and now I can't even start a conversation with my own girlfriend, for God's sake.

Maybe it's my way of trying to get less attached to people more than I already am. I don't know much about brain cancer, but I do know it's a bad hung and stage four is as bad as it gets. If it's probably just going to kill me anyways, it'll be better for the people I love to not love me back. Because then, it won't hurt nearly as much.

I sighed softly as I thought this over. Eliza had stopped attacking me with well meaning kisses and was having a quiet conversation with John. And me? I let myself get lost in my head again.

I thought of everything I would miss if the cancer treatment didn't work. Graduating high school and going to college. Getting married and seeing all my friends do the same. Dance competitions with Eliza. We haven't even had our first one yet.

I pictured my own funeral. My open casket, all my friends gathered around. Eliza crying and having no one to comfort her, because everyone else was crying and I'm always the one who helps her when she's upset. Mr Schuyler trying to console his daughters but not being able to get his wife and her cancer out of his mind. Hercules, Lafayette and John sitting at a table afterwards, drinking together and not giving a damn about being underage.

I didn't like this image in my mind. But the more I tried to push it away, the harder it hit me. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and the emotions reached me once more. I curled up into a ball, pressing the palms of my hands to my forehead. Overthinking doesn't exactly help with a migraine. Especially when it's caused by, oh yeah! Fucking brain cancer.

My face was buried in my knees and I knew it was covered with the blankets. For the second time in the day, I let myself cry. I do deserve to die. All I am is a weak, worthless, selfish piece of shit. I'm stupid and I don't care about what I leave behind, yet I still want to die anyways.

I scratch at my wrists with one hand as I cry in silence, wishing that I never ended up in the hospital so the cancer could just kill me without me even knowing it was there.

Then I suddenly felt cold and I realized my blankets had been taken off of me. I peeled up to see John and Eliza looking down at me.

Shit.

a/n: another update will be posted soon!! I haven't written it yet but I want to upload double today on all my books.