Lessons Learned

Ghost

I cannot face the ghost of you
Smiling at me in my memory
Holding me close
Spending time with me I hoped would last
The days you made our last days together we're not sweet
I think I knew inside me that you had decided
And I had been upset
And touchy
I wish I could tell you how sorry I was for those moments
How much I want to take back my bitter words as I left
I had wanted to curl in your arms and be held
But you had be distant and busy
You had snapped at me when I ran my fingers through your hair
And later you had kissed my cheeks
When you noticed I had drawn back into myself
But would only tell you "I'm fine"
I wanted to tell you I wasn't fine
That I'd had a rough day and was upset because
I felt your distance
You kept pushing for and answer and I pushed back
Because I couldn't tell you I felt
Abandoned already
And I grew angry because
You tried to walk me out and I
I didn't want to cry in front of you
Already grieving something I suspected
That you brought to reality just a few days later
How could I tell you
What I feared most
Was losing you
When I could feel myself losing you
I regret not telling you
Not letting my feelings spill from my lips
Days before I was upset
When we held each other close
In the back of my parents van
And talked about how we'd missed each other
You had given me a look then as I was thinking
"I love you, but I can't tell you yet"
But when I asked you why the look
You said you couldn't put it into words yet
I thought then
"Maybe he loves me too"
The end of the week proved me wrong
And burned with the memory of the night I'd been upset
And I blamed myself
You might've stayed if I hadn't been upset
I wanted to you want me
To feel the sparks of love I felt but couldn't put to words
I wanted my heart not to shatter when you said
"I could never see falling in love with you"
And I blamed myself
For being mad sometimes
If I had been kinder
Maybe you would have stayed
If I had said I loved you
Maybe you would have stayed
How can I tell you now that I want you so desperately back
That I would nearly agree to knowing you didn't love me
That I would almost accept just being there when you wanted my company
Even if it wasn't what I really wanted
How can I tell you any of this
I can't because I can't even face the ghost of you
Let alone the reality of you