Time is cruel

Back then...

Back then, when my heart broke forever

Graduation was coming nearer and nearer. My parents didn't allow me to dance since I should focuse on studying. However with eliminating one distraction, things weren't sealed. I couldn't concentrate at all.

She was always on my mind. Lately things have become... weird. Something was wrong, I could feel it deep inside, but everytime I asked if something was up, she told me she was totally fine, that it's just the pressure from school.

I regret not asking further.

Something very big happened last week... and it was because of me. She begged me to not do it, but I was so histerically dumb. I did it against her will, not knowing that all consequences went up to her.

I guess I have to mention that her passion was acting. She started doing it at a very young ageand later on she also wanted to combine it with singing and dancing, also the reason why she was in my dancing studio. They offer this kindof stuff,  but I was never interested in that.

Anyways, she was as good in acting as I was in dancing. Maybe that was one of the reasons I always believed her.

Well, I should have known better than that.

It was the week before our graduation. A pretty normal Monday. No one wanted to be in school and same counted for me. My only motivation to get trough the day was her. We didn't have our first two periods together, but I still remember that we had the third one together.

We usually met in front of our lockers. We were lucky, because the girl, that had her locker originally next to me, agreed on swapping lockers with my girlfriend. Beforethat I had to give her forty bugs, but it was worth it.

I almost sprinted to the meeting point, even tough running in the hallways was strictly permitted. Do you think I cared? No, I didn't. In that moment, all I cared about was having my beloved girl in my arms and her soft cherry lips against mine. I can't even describe this feeling, when you are able to be with the person you love.

However, when I arrived there was no girlfriend. I was confused and slightly disappointed. I thought maybe she already got ahead and walked to the classroom. I catched my breath and started to walk forward. I didn't run, but I was almost jogging.

Soon enough I entered the small room with dirty windows. I looked over the students who were already gathered. There was the nerd, a kissing couple, smaller groups of girls and boys talking about plans after school, but once again my girl wasn't there.

I kinda started worrying. I recognized one of the guys. He should have been in class with her the first or second period, so I walked up to him.

I asked him if he knew where she was, but my heart ached as soon as I heard his words. He told me that she didn't come to school today. She wasn't marked as absent from the head office, which can only have meant that she was skipping.

This was extremely unusual. It seemed impossible. She was a good girl, an exemplary student, and she would have never done that, because her parents are  very religious, and lying was a big no go in the household.

Maybe she just needed a time out. I let her be. The next few periods I only could think about her. What if something happened? Maybe on her way to school, I mean it could have been possible.

Since I wasn't able to think clearly anyways I went home earlier. I tried to call her, but her phone was switched off. This was weird. She was usually always available.

I decided to go to her house. Maybe her parents just forgot to call the school and inform them. They're very busy because of their company.

After a few minutes I was standing in front of a beautiful little house. It looked very welcoming. It was painted in a pastel yellow and flowers were blooming in the front yard.

I knocked on the door and waited. Nothing. I knocked again and waited a little longer. After five minutes it became suspicious. I tried opening the door and it worked. The door wasn't locked. This was extremely unusual once again. This whole situation was so extremely unusual.

I called her name but there was no response. I went up to her room, however she wasn't there. Then I heard a weird noise from the bathroom. It sounded somehow like a moan, but not the one that comes from pleasure, more like a painful and weak one.

I opened the door...

I could hear my world shatter. My heart was racing. It was so loud that I could get a headache from it. I couldn't believe what I saw, I didn't want to. I felt the need to run and do something, but I just stand there, in shock, not able to comprehend this.

One more thing that I regret. If I was faster and not so stupid, maybe I wouldn't have this hate for myself.

Two days went by and after I heard the expert's words all my hopes died instantly.

Her parents were blaming me under their tears and I just sat there, dead inside.

I got up and went, I don't remember where I went. I didn't cry. I actually didn't have any kind of emotion or reaction at that time.

I was alone and the only think I did was recalling everything in the last few years until today.

Time went on, as if nothing changed. You think this should help. Well, it made everything worse. Every minute I hated myself more and more.

I was so stupid. It was all my fault. I am a monster. I did all this. I broke her. Time is my worst enemy. I hate it so much. I hate myself so much. I don't want this. I don't wanna realize all my mistakes. I can't. It's killing me.

I don't deserve to live.

I want her back. I want my only reason to live back.

I don't deserve this.

Why didn't I ask her? Why didn't I listen to her? Why have I made the dumbest choices.

I don't deserve anything.

I am a piece of shit. Everyone would be so much happier if I am gone. Time wouldn't be able to torture me.

Time....

Time doesn't heal, it just breaks. And the girl that didn't deserve it at all got broken first.

It should have been me.