Time is cruel

Back then...

Back then, when I loved my serendipity with all of my heart

I found out that she was at the same school I was at. We were seeing each other everyday. We either would hang out at school or at the dance studio.

I started to feel very comfortable around her. I would talk with her about my problems and concerns and she would always be there to listen. She didn't say anything, just listened. Looking back it was kinda... selfish of me.

She helped me, but I never helped her out. Well, every time I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about with me she denied. She was always fine.

I never wanted to push to hard since she didn't seem comfortable with that. I didn't want to risk our relationship. It has been quite a while since I had such a wonderful friend.

Every minute I was around her I learned to like her more and more.
This pure and innocent friendship soon became...more.

I still can't explain what this girl was doing with me, but whenever she looked me in the eyes there was just her and I. Sometimes we were just sitting there starring in each other's eyes, enjoying our company and I could have done this for hours.

We... sometimes didn't even have to talk. We could tell words unspoken. This girl got me really bad. She was breaking my heart wide open.

I still remember this one time, when we had vacation, and she sneaked out with me in the night. We wanted to watch the stars together.

We didn't say one single word that night. We were just lying down in the slightly wet grass besides eachother. We didn't even waste one second admireing the phenomenal view. We just got lost in each other's eyes.

Her soft smile created the little dimple I loved so much. Then she said it. "I am so happy to have you as my friend"

I was supposed to be happy at those words. But why did my heart ache then? I felt like crying. She probably noticed, because a second later I could feel her arms wrapping around my waist. But I think she thought I was crying out of joy.

When the sun started to show its face we decided to head home and once I arrived I locked myself up in my room and started to cry.

Deep inside I had a guess, but I prayed so hard for it to not be true. However it would have explained every single thought and action towards her. I was in love with a girl, my best friend that was probably even straight.

We never talked about sexuality, but I was convinced that she has to be hetero.

Once school started again I did my best to avoid her. I couldn't look her in the eyes. I just couldn't. I would have start crying the second I saw her.

I was angry at myself, also kinda disappointent. I hated my heart for doing this to me. I was on my way home from the dance studio. I danced but without emotion. I didn't feel like it. It was a good opportunity tough for improving my technic.

I looked up from my phone after I read a message from my mom. I don't exactly remember what it was about. Probably she informed me that dinner will be ready soon.

She was standing in front of me. She was panting. She must have run to the studio. She looked me in the eyes with her chin up. All this made her look very confident.

I froze.

She started to walk up to me. She grabbed me by my wrist and I let her drag me away. We found us again in a narrow side street. I thought she wanted to talk or ask me what has been up with me the whole week.

So I waited. I waited for her to say something. I even imagined the worst case that she would quit our friendship.

However it was the last expected case that occurred. Before I could even realize what just happened she pulled her lips away.

I don't know if you ever experienced a kiss when you thought that it would never happen. It feels like an explosion. It feels unreal. It's just amazing no matter how bad the kiss was, how unexperienced and shy it was.

Back then I thought that this change in our relationship is just perfect, too wonderfu lto be real.
Today I think that both of us made a big mistake and we never could have imagined the consequences.

Well, time would show them to us.