ѕнαттєяє∂ мιяяσяѕ

Haptophobia

{hàptøphóвìå} meaning: тнє fєαя σf тσυ¢н αи∂/σя вєιиg тσυ¢нє∂.
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[Ｗａｒｎｉｎｇ] This may be disturbing to others, viewers digression advised.
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     I had layed in bed alone, feeling sick to my stomach. I held my knees close to me, looking blankly at my sheets. The image of Josh over me was stuck to my eyelids, making me scared to blink. It was 1am, and I couldn't sleep after my nightmare. The gunshot from that terrorizing night echoed in my mind, with the cold feeling of me being touched everywhere on my body. It had made me feel sick and terrified, scared to even think of sleep. I looked over to my phone, grabbing it to see any messages. Nope. No one would be awake at this hour. I checked to see if anyone was active, and the only person was Alex. I sent him a message, trying to take my mind off everything. 

                                                  Hey... : You
Alex: [Read]

     He read my message, but seemed to not want to respond. Whatever. If I'm destined to be alone then I'll be alone right now. I tried to lay my head back, closing my eyes. Josh had climbed over me, along with other men who have trampled my walls, continuing my torture that I have tried to escape many years ago. I feel there cold hands grab onto me, like ice slicing my skin. I shake my head, trying to speak, but I only get drowned by my own tears, suffocating me slowly. I feel the coldness rapidly become a burning sensation, now really feeling the pain, but everywhere. I open my eyes, seeing my old blade from forever ago, last time being shined, now stained with my own blood. Somehow, I had escaped, into the bathroom on the cool tile, also stained with small pools of blood. I look down to see my thighs, cuts carved deeply into my skin. I look at my arm, seeing I had cut all along my right arm up. This had been another black out cut, I hadn't had one of them recently. I began to feel my anxiety rise, seeing how much I had actually done. The cuts where thick, looking like chunks of me where missing. I had given my self stitches before, but they weren't big enough for needles and string to be invited. I felt my hot tears fall on my skin, causing the cuts to hurt worse.  I started to shake, trying not to cry more. I slowly stood up, looking for anything to clean the cuts with and to wrap them. I looked in my secret cabinet, originally do signed to hold feminine products if needed, but I decided for it to be my medical drawer, knowing something like this would happen. I grabbed the rubbing alcohol, with some wipes and bandages to wrap them. I sat on the toilet, with the toilets lid down. I first cleaned out the cuts on my thighs, shaking even more from the amount of pain.

"g-god damn it.... " I cried, trying not to over use the alcohol. I took two wraps, first putting on oilment on all my wounds, then wrapping them tightly with the wrap. I cleaned my other thigh, following the same steps that I had mastered at 14. When I was dine with my thighs, I had looked at my arm, thinking about how I could hide the cuts. If I just left them open like this, everyone would know. But if I wore more log sleeve and leggings, then everything would be fine. I would just have to be careful with the cuts, trying not to bump into things.

      I cleaned my cuts along my arm, wrapping them tightly, to stop the blood. I stood up, looking at the tiled floor.

"how am I gonna clean that up without her worrying... " I thought, looking around.

I moved my hand to my head, feeling dizzy. I walked out of the bathroom, turning off the light as I went, and walked over to another switch, connected to my fairy lights. There were all mixed colors, wrapping around the room in different patterns. I walked to my bed, seeing a kid a laying by a pillow.

"Hey bud... " I say, crawling over to him. I gently scratched behind his ears, kissing the cats forehead.

Akira purred, turning his body to face me. He layed on his back, his belly extremely fluffy. I scratches his belly, making him pur more, a happy pur.

I  my phone from the night stand, laying by my bed. I had a new message, only from Alex.

Alex: Hey, I heard what happ-
end with Josh. I don't know
Exactly what to say besides
That I'm sorry, and I know
Sorry won't cut it. But I
Really am truly sorry for
Getting drunk, and leaving
You alone with him. If I
Wasn't drunk, I could of
Protected u, but sadly I
Had gotten to that point. 
Please meet with me @
The Park so we can talk...
♡.

     I didn't want to not forgive him, it was never his fault. But what had happen still stung me, even if it wasn't the worst. I tried to think of what Zach would say, if he was still around. Would he even respond? If only that incident didn't happen, he would be here with me.

     I sighed, trying not to think of him at this moment. I still couldn't believe I trusted Alex for that, I had broke a promise with my self. Before I had even moved here, I had promised my self three things:

1. Don't trust anyone.
2. Don't get connected.
3.  Don't grow feelings.

     Well, I already broke all of them. Not just one. I shook my head, not wanting to respond to him right now.  I put my phone on the nightstand again, standing up from my bed. Akira hopped off too, walking up to my window, jumping on it. He purred until I walked up to the window, opening it. Akira crawled out, jumping down and somehow safely landing in his feet. He looked back up at me, before walking off. I watched at he pawed at three planks of wood, part of the fence, and they had moved, letting him threw. I didn't realize the fence had a gate, but it just crossed over to where the twins lived, into there own backyard. I shrugged, knowing he would be ok if he was there.

I shut the window, walking to where my closet was, going inside. I didn't have many clothes, not having the money to go shopping for any. Ms. Wing had said I could borrow some money from her anytime needed, but I told her she would go bankrupt. I looked threw my drawers, looking for any pj clothes that wouldn't tighten around my legs. I grabbed a shirt, one of my favorite bands on it, Cavetown,  and held onto it, looking into the mirror before getting dressed.

I didn't look like who I was before.

I looked into the mirror, seeing another girl.

     Her hair had been a mess, her eyes dull and cold.

She had marks across her skin, everywhere you looked you could find at least one patch of the galaxy.

     
         Her arms where scared, showing battles that she had lost with others and her self.

Her ribs had shown, a cage,  a cage that was the only thing supporting her.

The dots of freckles lined on her sides where the only things that looked pure, the only things that were healed.

                            The girl in the mirror,

Was me.