We Didn't Want To

Days

[ sixteen years ago ]

365 days.
It's been 365, they haven't talked in 365 days. Every time Dean sees him, there'll be a lump in his throat and he'll swallow and he'll swallow but it'll never go down.
Cas sleeps in their bed. Dean sleeps in a chair in the war room, but he doesn't sleep knowing that the one he loves is suffering and he can't do anything about it. Maybe he can, maybe he can find that town, get his son back and bring him home. But he can't and he knows that because if he brings him here if he even makes contact with him he might as well sign his son death certificate because being a Winchester is a death wish in its self.  At least there he's safe and not having to worry about heaven and hell tracking him down. 

"Talk to him," Gabe says one day while they are researching a case. "How?" he asks, and he's serious, how do you talk someone when the literally handed their child off to a stranger and have no way to see if they are ok or even just living. He has to be living though because he asks Gabriel every other day if he heard anything on angle radio. 
He finds himself in front of their door a hours after he talked to the archangel after half an hour of standing there he finally finds the courage to knock when comes the trems that he can't stall anymore.
Cas doesn't answer.
Dean leaves.
"Did you talk to him?" Sam asks.
"No."  At least you can't say he didn't try 

366 days.

It's one in the morning or maybe a little bit after that he starting to lose track of the time as his days a are blending together in a slow painful and depressing cycle. He gets up.
In sudden flare of confindence, he finally gets the balls to walk into their room. But he doesn't sleep he sits by Cas' bedside and watches him sleep, yeah Cas sleep now when he pregnant the baby took some of his grace, it must be painful dean thinks having a part of your self be thousand of miles away. Sometimes Cas sometimes talks in his sleep, he only ever talks about a baby.
Dean doesn't know if he wants to listen.
But he listens.
367 days.

Maybe Dean goddamn lost his mind because he gets out of the chair and he goes to the bed and he slips in under the sheets. As soon as he does, Cas gravitates towards him, seeks the warmth that Dean's body heat provides and then Dean finds himself holding Cas, finds himself with Cas' cheek pressed to Dean's chest.
And maybe Dean's even more foolish because, after that night, Dean sleeps in the same bed with Cas.
380 days.

This time Cas is awake. "Mieczysław," That is the first thing he said to Dean in 382 days.
"What?"
"That was his name,"
That night Castiel cries
Dean leaves because he can't handle it, it's too painful. He goes back to the kitchen. He presses a hand to his mouth hoping the physical pain will distract him from the throbbing pain of his heart. He sinks down to the ground.
He tries to breathe.
He heaves.
He drops his hand from his mouth.
He takes long breaths.
The long breaths become shorter.
He's gasping.
He can't breathe.
He presses his hand to his mouth again and muffles his cries.
382 days.

"After the baby born I want to marry you." Cas stated laying a hand on his flat stomach.
"After the baby is born" Dean promised, swopping down to capture his angle's lips in a kiss.
They don't know then

"You wanna get married?" Dean says then and it's as sudden as everything else that happens with them. For a moment, Dean thinks that he's joking to himself, joking when he asks Cas, but then something within Dean—a knot in his stomach, a knot that's been there for much too long—seems to grow even tighter.
He's aching.
He's pining. He's pining so goddamn hard and he wants this and he wants Cas and he wants Cas to say yes.
But it's dangerous territory.
"I promised you I marry you remember..."
"After the baby is born" Cas voice cracked
459 days.