How it Ends

the beginnin

Like it says this is where it all starts the beginning the reason why and dead it's not no one's fault or was it myself fault I was misplaced enough talk let's get into it.....

January 9th 2004 the year I was born oh what a happy day today my mother looked me in the eye and called me her angel I love my mom she was the first person I ever laid my eyes on the day I was born everybody said that I was the cutest baby I was always happy I smiled and they said that I never cried ever I fell off the couch and I just laughed my mom told me whenever wipe that beautiful smile off my face no matter what the world throws at me and I never did till the day July 24th 2010 6 years old having a wonderful time with my mother and father who loved each other very much never argued we were the perfect 3 like a triangle did you know the triangle is the strongest shape anyways we were solid we were never going to be broken but Mom and Dad got into a fight mom was yelling dad was hitting the wall I've never seen anything like this mom was screaming leave and dad said he hated his life here he grabbed me and told me he loved me and he would never stop loving me he just stopped loving mom I was crying and screaming begging him not to leave that he was throwing all his clothes in his bag and left that day I was sad the next day I was sad two months later I was sad everyday I was sad but I woke up with a smile on my face everyday for my mom at night I would Cry to her and tell her that coming back I would sleep with the lights on hoping one night he would come in and give me a kiss and cover me goodnight he never did but I did the best I could for my mother how was only six December 19th 2014 4 years after dad left and the pain started to slowly fade away my mom always smile she always told me every I was 10 years old and I started to realize what life was have a good night see my mom crying go to the kitchen and see my mom drinking and I remembered she always did these things when I was younger I just never seen it she started getting aggressive I would come home from school clean the house for her give her her medicine and let her down I acted much older than what I was when I was 9 and never really had a birthday I was too busy helping my mom get money my mom went down a rough path after dad left it hurt I told Mom she she had to stop doing that thing she what do I told her one day it would hurt her total one day it would hurt us January 9th 2015 my birthday I woke up and went to my mom's room and I yelled Mom it's my birthday I'm 11 years old I didn't get a reply for my mother I tap my mom when they are like Mom it's my birthday then I looked at her and I said Mom I pulled back the covers and she was still sleeping I shook her and I shook her and I realized that they wasn't open pill bottle I kept shaking and I said Mama, you can leave me you're the only one I have please wake up it's my birthday I'm 11 your big girl she's getting older mama I know you're here wake up stop playing please no more mama this isn't funny please Mom awake cuz I'm screaming in pain please who's going to take care of me I need you mama please I have no one else mom please wake up Mommy please stop please crying and screaming and the only thing I could do 911 I called nine-one-one and you hear this is nine-one-one what is your emergency can I say my mom was she ain't waking up there's pills in her bed I'm trying to wake her up and the lady says ma'am calm down what's your address 902 Harris Street and one lady says we'll send an ambulance on our way and then she says is there anyone there with you and I say no please stay on the phone with me I'm scared what if my Mama don't ever wake up she says let's hope she does the paramedics got there and I hang up the phone they get her in the ambulance and they take me with them I'm still crying and screaming as they're saying they can't find a pulse and I'm asking them what is going on is my mom okay is everything okay and I'm begging please answer me please answer me until this day I can remember exactly every detail that happened this day cuz this was the day I realized the world wasn't happiness the world wouldn't give you good and I just wanted it 2 stop smiling but I remember my mom told me I had the beautiful smile and that and nothing should change that so I still smiled every single day for her I got to the hospital and they called my dad I haven't seen him in 5 years I didn't want to see him now I asked him what he was doing here he left he shouldn't be here and they said that I was going with him I told them no and they said he was still my legal guardian right father he was never took it off the papers and I just start crying and I was like I needed to see my mom where's my mom my mom I need her mama please please I need to see her I need to see my mom right now let me see my mom please they take me to the back room where she's at and I grabbed her and I hold her and I beg her to wake up and it's a mama mama you can't go I know you're here mama wake up I'll make you some breakfast mama and they tell me please leave through as I'm crying and tears begging my mother to please wake up they carry her out and I fall asleep knowing she's never coming back that she's gone I lost the only thing that's ever love me the only thing that's ever made me love myself my dad picked me up and he told me I never stopped loving your mother but the day he left he told me he did I ran out of the room and I told him I hated him because this would have never happened if you would have stayed he started crying and he grabbed me and he said he knows it's his fault but I knew it wasn't his it was her time but I wasn't ready I wasn't ready for my mom to be gone August 2015 dad tells me I know it's been a couple months since what happened to Mom but I need you to meet somebody he brings in this beautiful woman who is tall red hair with blue jeans boots flannel and beautiful makeup on and I ask Dad who is this and he told me my step-mom and I looked at her and said what do you mean mom she is not my mom my mom is dead and I go to my room and I slam my door and in that moment all I was thinking how could he tell me Mom he knows what happened mom's gone why would he do this he's my dad he's supposed to love me but I realized he left because he didn't love my mom I realize he left because he was unhappy I realize he wanted to move on but I love Mom I can't move on I can't love another person the way I loved her she is my mom and there will never be another one I started to screaming and crying and he comes in and he says sorry maybe I wasn't ready wasn't ready for what to realize that you're going to move on and I have to live with but the fact that I will never have a mom again and I remember all this because this is why I didn't need to be here that tells me I'm sorry I don't want it to be this way but I need to be happy too and mom would want me to move on and I said to him mom wouldn't wanted her to die but she did he left the room and I just laid in my room and cried and I sucked it up and smiled and said I was fine but the fact that I won't never have a mom again and I remember all this because this is why I didn't need to be here sorry I don't want it to be this way but I need to be happy too and mom would want me to move on and I said to him mom wouldn't wanted her dad died but she did he left the room and I just played in my room and cry but I suck it up and smiled and said I was fine January 9th 2017 two years after Mom death I'm at the dinner table with Linda my dad's girlfriend and my dad Linda makes me a cake that says happy birthday kiddo I could have been the cake and it's full of candy yay my birthday is so great it's a great day to celebrate because it's the day my mom died right all I can think about is her they give me a slice of cake I don't need it all I do is go to my room and lie down my dad is very nice still not my mom though and still very upset that you walked out of my life when I was younger and I had to take care of my mom but obviously I didn't do a good enough job or she would be here and Linda is a very kind person and tries her best to please me that I will never get over the fact that she is not my mother I don't know how get over this I don't want to be here anymore my dad left my mom is dead and now my dad is trying to replace my mother school is school like oh and I learned I don't talk to nobody nobody knows me and that's fine because why let someone in my life that I'm going to wind up losing anyways July 4th 2017 I asked my dad if I can walk around because the fireworks are giving me a headache and I'm walking around I see a group of people I know from school and I walk away from them I get towards the End of the Road where I can't hear the fireworks and sit down somebody pulls up and asked me if I want a ride I say no and they're like I'll just take you where the fireworks are and by that time it was getting cold and I said no and I started walking well then they started following me and I got this sick feeling in my stomach I said what do you want leave me alone and the man said no and grab me I was pulling screaming help help but I was so far away from the loud banging fireworks and no one can hear me scream I bite his arm happy let's go I start to run he runs after me and grabs me what's a cloth over my head in that's all I remember can I can kind of remember being in a dark room I woke up and there he is I'm screaming for help and he says there's no need to scream and all I'm thinking about is Mom where are you when I need you Dad you couldn't even take care of me he puts a cloth over my mouth as I'm screaming he ties my hands up to bed I'm shaking my head no as I'm crying and screaming and moving and pain the claw falls down and it say please stop I've lost everything in life I need this this is the only thing please don't take this away from me please my mom is dead and my dad is worthless please and then he told me who you're worthless anyways and tie the knot tied around my mouth where I couldn't speak and I blackout the next place I wake up is at the fairgrounds in my clothes covered in blood I stand up with no phone no wallet my necklace is gone everything I had is gone I walk to the nearest car nothing there then I remembered there's a gas station not that far away from here I walk a couple miles crying hoping someone would see me and nobody stopped I got to the gas station and asked if I could call my dad he answered and he came and pick me up he asked me what happened he was so worried about me he called the cops he looked everywhere for me he was so scared and so agitated he started yelling at me where did you go what did you do did you go off with your friends I said what friends. Do you understand someone took me grab me I tried fighting off the fireworks were so loud you couldn't even hear me I tried the best I could and you wasn't there He took me back I begged him not to I told him everything I told him My mom was gone I had nothing please and I begged him to put something over my mouth and that's the last thing I remember I woke up covered in blood so I hope you know what happenedHe starts crying and he says oh my God will handle this Takes me down to the police station covered in blood as I'm shaking and tears rolling down my face to take me into a room and asked me what happened I told him all I knew I gave him as much details as I could I wish I would have paid attention more to his I gave him as much details as I could I wish I would have paid attentionMore to his face but I didn't And obviously you know what happened I was raped November 12th 2017 I started noticing I was gaining weightQuicker than I normally do I ate everything still felt hungry I was always nauseated and sickI told my dad my stomach hurts so bad he finally told me he would take me to the hospital as we going to the hospital I open the door because I vomit everywhere dad told me I must really be sick it took me into the waiting room and they called my name I go through they take my temperature they say I have a fever and that they should take me to the back room immediately I told him my stomach hurts and they start poking around at my stomach they check my heart rate and I pee into a cup wait till that comes back everything came out fine besides I might be pregnant they do an ultrasound and they can see what they think is two twins tears are rolling down my face because I didn't want this to happen and I knew I haven't had sex before in my dad looks at the screen then looks at me and says what happened my baby girl how could you do this and I told him I haven't did anything and he said it's not your fault you were raped I look at the babies again and I realize that's the only time I did anything Tears start pouring down my face as I'm crying dad what are we supposed to do and I told him I said I can't get rid of the baby and he says that's the only option and I look at the doctor and she says it's always up to the mother and when she said that my face lit up knowing that if I have these kids I'm going to be a mother again but she told me I don't have long because there are already 3 months along me and my dad look at each other and leave the hospital we think their doctors for their time but we don't know yet what we're going to do we get in the car and I told my dad I can't have an abortion I can't leave these kids like you left me and I can't watch them die knowing that they won't have a mother they're living dead and he tells me do you really want a living reminder of what happened to you do you really think I want a living reminder that I couldn't protect you and I told him going to be the happiest day of my life please don't ruin it and he tells me no he says this is the only way and I tell him Dad don't do this to me and he said you have a couple of weeks to think about it but this is the only option December 1st 2017 my dad tells me we have to make a decision at tell him I'm not doing it there alive and I will raise them and I will take care of them they are mine and I am their mother and he tells me we have to we argue and talk for hours me crying and screaming begging him not to and he told me that I would have to because if I don't the babies could come out with defects because of how young I am or that I couldn't do school and take care of them at the same time and that it would be very hard and that this would be the easiest option I told him no but he would not listen he told me I have to do it he told me that this is what mom would want and that is the only reason why I did it that day we went to the clinic and it was that easy they gave me one thing couple of days later it was just like a period like none of it even happened he told me it was the right thing to do but I still went in my room and cried I hated myself every single day for that because I let two perfect angels that could have came into my life just leave my dad left me when I was six my mom died when I was 11 I got raped at 13 I had an abortion at 13 everything went wrong January 9th 2018 my birthday I'm 14 years old and my Dad gives me a camera and told me to take pictures of the happiest things in life I told him nothing and gave him back of the camera and went to my room January 9th 2019 still sad can't feel don't want to be here anymore January 9th 20/20 almost done with high school made a couple of friends it's my birthday my 16th birthday Dad's out of town Linda is on a business trip and mom dead January 9th 2021 17 years old now fixing to graduate can't wait yippee knowing I'm actually empty on the inside oh and by the way it's my birthday not like you care I still have a couple of friends but they don't ever talk to me anymore August 30th 2022 about to graduate walking to get my diploma sing Linda and my dad out there and an empty seat for my mom I grabbed my diploma walk off stage and cry and I walk over to Linda and my dad and they gave me a hug and asked me why I'm crying I said because this is the happiest day of my life knowing this was the damn my life was going to end August 30th 2022 8:30 p.m. I know Linda and my dad are sleeping so I go to the bathroom with a blanket of my mom pill bottle candles roses hot tea a picture of my mom and a note that says I love you Mom can't wait to see you I take the pills I lay in the bath hot water running I throw the petals in in like the candles relax and fall asleep and never wake up again the end