The Property Of: Neena Eellante | ✓ |

14. Sincerely,I don't know... I had a long shower

I sound like some stalker but I've been watching Soren McKinin. I've never talked to him, I don't think I'd be able to get a word out if he were to look at me.

But I've been watching him and I've noticed something I didn't before, he doesn't smile.

My life is too complicated — well, I don't want to make it seem like I'm more important than  him but, well I don't have a lot of comfort and love to give him.

I've grown numb to the world. I don't except anything from anyone anymore and I hope he isn't waiting for someone. Because, I'm not that someone.

Some part of me is ashamed that I keep  walking when I see someone crying, that I ignore people who aren't popular.

Scariest part: I think I'm turning into my parents. The way they fight, I see aspects of it in school and I hold my own hands because I'm so frightened that if I let go, I'll loose myself.

I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of but I found a way to control it.

There's a spot in behind the school where I can stash alcohol in a hole of the wall, it's easily accessible by pulling a loss brick out.

No one ever comes around that end but today I got a little too drunk to hide it. It's not my fault. Breakfast was usual as it was but the thought of eating at all was sickening because that's where I found my mom this morning.

She was leaning again the dinner table, slumped down and head resting in a bag full of frozen peas. Her face dark shades of red and purple.

They'd had a fight, one worst than any other. She'd pinned me up against the wall when I claimed to call the police. My own mother fought with me, restraining me from kicking her. Then without warning she hit me, screaming to be quiet.

She'd stolen from my father and he found out, my mom could go jail and I guess he could too for the violence. I was to be a good child and stay quiet, so I did.

I had ripped the back of my shirt as I slid down the bricks, head resting against the wall to cry the entirety of lunch. I'd cuddled that beer bottle so tightly the glass seemed breakable.

It was only when I was stumbling to stand was when He had found me. I fell to the ground when I saw Him, my drunk brain screaming internally.

I knew Him, knew what He did last time.

He knew I was drunk. And He took His chance but not His time. He pushed me up against the wall quickly, His voice soft, His breath burning my skin as kissed me until my lips went numb.

The birds stop singing.

So now, dear friend, as I lay on my roof staring at the stars, I hope to fall asleep.
My fingertips are numb but it's quiet.

I'm not a religious person, yet I prayed moments before I started writing.

I said,
"If anyone is listening up there and who would like to care about little old me, send someone  for me to laugh with and forget my life with because I've never been good at swimming and I can feel myself drowning."

Sincerely,
I don't know ... I had a long shower