Tied Together With a Smile

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by starkidlexi22

by starkidlexi22

This might sound cliché (and that would be because it is), but I honestly think that the sunset is one of the most beautiful, romantic things ever. Some of the best photos I've ever taken are of the sunset as seen from the astronomy tower, or the edge of the black lake. Some people don't see it, but it's different every time. Every single time. The clouds are different, making the light peak over them in the most unique ways. The shades and amount of colour is always different, special. I just love sunsets. I found them to be a way of relaxing. Sitting on the edge of the dock with my feet in the water and watching the sun sink into the horizon. It's a way to calm myself, one of my go to things to do when I feel the anxiety coming on. But I do it alone. I sit alone, and watch the sunset with nobody else to talk to and I'm okay with that. Nobody needs to be audience to my anxiety or the things I do to calm myself down. I knew what I needed to do when it got bad and I was okay with being alone, in fact it was better if I was alone.

Hold on, baby, you're losing it

The water's high, you're jumping into it

And letting go... and no one knows

That you cry, but you don't tell anyone

That you might not be the golden one

And you're tied together with a smile

But you're coming undone

Being alone through all of this led to nobody really knowing that anything was that bad. My friends just thought I was quiet and shy. They didn't know how my life went when I wasn't with them, how much shit went through my head. All these things that I would hate myself for thinking because I knew that none of them were true. Of course, I deserved love, of course I was smart, of course I could really do whatever I wanted if I put my mind to it, but that was only on good days. And those were starting to become less and less frequent.

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted

Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change

Hoping it will end up in his pocket

But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain

Oh, cause it's not his price to pay

Not his price to pay...

Nobody, especially not Remus, deserved to have to deal with me. He had his own problems to deal with, ones that were far worse than mine and if being honest with him meant giving him more things to worry about, then I would happily suffer in silence. Even after we started dating, I was in no way further inclined to tell him or anybody else. This was my problem and I wasn't going to let anybody else feel like they had to deal with it.

When I had my good days, I tried to spread the happiness as much as I possibly could. I wasn't even really sure why. I just felt like if I was happy, I needed others to be as well, to make it all worth it I guess. Even when I was having a bad day, I put on a smile and dealt with it, because I could and I was thankful for that. One of my biggest fears was that this was all gonna get worse and that I would lose my ability to hide everything.