My New Best Friends: A South Park X Reader

Chapter 12: Princess Bonding Time/Dates with da Bois

Long chapter ahead. Sorry!
Also: (F/s) is favorite subject from school

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"Well well well, look who decided to join us," the Wizard King sneers as I slowly awake.
"Damn Your Highness," I say, hissing at the fresh pain on my skull, "is there ever a time where I don't need to be given a concussion in order to visit you?"
I glance around. "Who was it this time, Paladin Butters again?"
The King rolls his eyes. "No you dumbass, this time it was Scott Malkinson. Anyways, we are here to make you an offer."
"Listen buddy, this better not be one of those, 'join our side' offers, because it's literally my first day."
"We want you to join the Humans in our quest for world peace."
"... You've gotta be shitting me."
"We will give you two days to decide. Join us, and you will have everything your heart desires; refuse, and we will bring the wrath of the Stick of Truth down upon your kingdom."
I look over. Sure enough, the Stick of Truth is sitting on a lit pedestal to the side of the tent. Clyde, holding a spear, stands ready to protect it.
"Sir Douchebag and Princess Kinny will keep you company during this time. We have prepared a room for your stay. Now, be off!"
I was escorted to Mrs. Cartman's room by Tweek and Token. "A-ACK! I don't know if you wanna go in there!" Tweek shivers. "I know I wouldn't!"
Token pats us both on the back. "Relax, Tweek. (Y/n)'s going to be fine."
He leans in close to me. "Just, uh, stay away from the doors and, no matter what the Princess says, do not let her touch anything. Sir Douchebag will help you. Good luck."
I smile shakily at him. "Thanks Token."
He kisses my cheek. "Anytime, my lady."
With that, I am shoved into the room, door locking behind me. Princess Kenny rolls her eyes. "I saw that," she grumbles. "Why does he get to kiss you and I don't?"
I back up, rapidly denying. The princess merely laughs. "Relax, I'm just joking. Anyway, we have 2 days here, and nothing to do. Any ideas, Sir Douchebag?"
Douchebag shakes his head. Kenny sighs. "Great."
"U-Um, Your Highnesses-GAH!"
Tweek pokes his head into the room. "O-One of our warriors requested that this be sent i-into the chambers," he says, holding out my tiara. "I-I'm not sure why, but they- ACK!- insisted."
"Thank you, Tweek," I get up from the bed and take it from him.
In doing so, I kiss him on the cheek. He blushes fire hydrant red and runs from the room. "AAAGH!"
Princess Kenny sidles up to me, whistling. "So much drama, and me not included in any of it! The plot thickens."
She directs her eyes to my hands, which still hold the (F/m) crown. "Hey, need me to help you put that on?"
I raise my eyebrow. "Uh, yes, thank you. Stan and I were actually discussing that today."
Kenny chuckles. "I'm honored. C'mere, sit in front of me."

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Kenny does my hair, with Douchebag and I playing hand games. "Pat it, roll it, and mark it with a D; then put it in the oven for Douchbag and me!" I chant, clapping my hands against Douchebag's gloved ones.
He smiles at me, and takes my hand in his. We sit like that for awhile, staring into each others eyes. Douchebag sits on his knees and leans into my dance space. Kenny gets the message, trying to pull us apart.
Suddenly, Token and Tweek, both sweaty and bright red, burst into the room.
"The King requests an audience with the Princess!" Token gasps.
Kenny and I look at each other, then back at the boys. "Uh, which one?" I ask.
Token and Tweek huddle for a moment, then turn back to us. "Uh, we're not really sure," Token mumbles. "How about you both come with us?"
Kenny shrugs. "Sure. Better two princesses than none at all, amiright?"
We get up and walk to the throne room. Inside, King Fatass sits upon his throne. I am surprised to see he is the only one there. "Where did everyone else go?" I whisper to Princess Kenny.
She shrugs. "I have no idea. Maybe training or something?"
"Ah, Princess (Y/n), Princess Kinny," Cartman says. "I've been expecting you."
"Uh, which one?" Kenny asks.
"Just (Y/n). Princess Kinny, you may leave."
Kenny turns to me, kissing my hand. "Be careful, okay?"
She lingers for a bit, holding my hand. Then, glancing one more time at Fatass, she absconds.
Once she is gone, Cartman descends from his throne. "Now, milady, I've called you here to offer you a deal."
I roll my eyes. "Not interested, Your Majesty."
His lips curl into a menacing grin. "Oh, I think this is one offer you'd very much like to hear."
He begins to pace the area around his throne. "See, my warriors and I have decided something: you're not going to leave this place."
My eyes widen in shock as Cartman continues.
"You're simply too valuable to let go of, so I'll give you a choice. Either resist, and bring down the wrath of the Stick of Truth upon you and the Elven Kingdom..."
He takes my face in his hands. "Or, join us willingly, and rule alongside me as my queen."
He leans closer to me, so close it makes me blush. "You have three days to decide, but it shouldn't be a hard desicion."
He turns my head so that his hot breath hits my ear. "After all, I know everything you desire."
"Eric, Snookums! Time to send your little friends home!"
Cartman rolls his eyes. "Ugh! MEEM! Can't you see I'm trying to seduce the princess?!"
Mrs. Cartman pokes her head outside. "I'm sorry Eric, but perhaps she can stay for dinner."
Cartman pulls me to his side. "You can stay, right?"
I shrug. "Let me check with my mom."
He nods and stands to the side as I dial her number. "Hi, you've reached the phone of (M/n) (L/n)," the recorded message rattles off. "Unfortunately, I can't be rea-"
I hang up with a sigh. Cartman, seeing my disappointed face, flips an eyebrow. "What'd she say?"
Smiling mockingly, I imitate the message. "Please leave a message at the tone. BEEP!"
Cartman chuckles halfheartedly. "I get that. Busy, single mom?"
I nod. "Spends all her time at work. A nurse. Yours?"
He rolls his eyes. "Tutoring, if you catch my drift."
I scrunch up my nose in disgust. "TMI dude."
"Hey, you asked."
"Got me there."
Cartman laughs. Then, he puts his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, bitch. If you ever need to, ah, y'know. . ."
"I do not know. Please specify."
"Ey! Let me finish! As I was saying, if you need to, like, talk or. . . S-Spend the night or whatever. . ."
He looks away and scratches the nape of his neck. I giggle, placing my hand over his own on my shoulder. "I get it, Cartman. And thank you."
"O-Oh, and, ehm, I'm sorry for, y'know, this morning."
"I accept your apology," I say sweetly.
Surprisingly enough, he pulls me in for a hug, which I don't object to. He holds me close, nearly picking me up off the ground. "Aah! Tall human!" I gasp.
Human. . .
Suddenly, I have an epiphany. "Cartman!" I say loudly, startling him. " I should call Kyle, to make sure he knows I'm alright."
Cartman, a blushing mess, lets me go. "Oh, yeah. Right. Call the Jew. Stupid Jew, ruining my moment. . ."
"Can I borrow your phone?" I ask, snapping him out of his trance once more.
"God dammit, why can't you use your own phone? Here."
I scroll through his contacts until I find the one named, "Dirty Jew." Chuckling to myself, I dial his number. It is picked up immediately, and I have to hold the phone away from my ear as the male on the other side screams profanities. "WHERE IS SHE, FATASS? I SWEAR, IF YOU HURT HER, I WILL PERSONALLY CUT OFF YOUR-"
"Hello to you too, Kyle," I giggle.
The screaming changes to a much softer tone as worry fills his voice. "Oh my god, (Y/n)?" He asks. "Did the Wizard Fatass hurt you? Did he rape you? Are you alright? Where are you?"
I put my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. "I'm fine, Kyle. I'm just at his house, and we were about to have dinner."
"Oh. . ." Kyle says. "Um, are you eating with him? Or do you need him to drop you off at your house? Or here? Would you like to eat with us?"
"It's fine, Kyle. Maybe next week, alright? Thanks anyway, though."
"Of course, (Y/n). Anytime."
The line clicks, and I hand the phone back to Cartman. He rolls his eyes. "What did the Jew have to say?"
"He just wanted to know I was okay," I respond. "He also wanted me to come back, but I told him no."
Cartman smiles at this. "Ah, Smart girl," he says. "My meem's food is the best!"

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Inside, Mrs. Cartman serves me a grilled cheese, and Cartman a chocolate chicken pot-pie with whipped cream. I try not to gag as he digs in. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Cartman," I say sweetly, forcing my stomach out of my throat.
She nods happily, squeezing my shoulder. "Of course, dear! And you can call me Liane."
Cartman and I chat about class, video games, and our lives in general. I learn that he once fed a kid's parents to the kid, and he learns that I once got an award for (H). "So, why's your mom single?" Cartman asks.
I freeze, mid-bite. "Uh... It's kind of-"
"I have time."
"-Personal," I finish, giving him a weird look.
"If you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine," Cartman offers.
I take a deep breath and begin.
"My mom and dad loved each other, in the beginning, but my dad kept working really late. People were telling my mom to question him; after all, it's kind of a suggestive situation. But my mom, being the gentle, trusting person she is, never did.
"Then, one day, she decided to surprise him by coming home early. In doing so, she found him and my best friend's mom doing it on the kitchen counter.
"She had a huge fight with him, and they ended up splitting last year. We moved here to get away."
Cartman reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. "I'm really sorry, (Y/n)."
I shrug. "Hey man, because of it, I got to meet you."
A glimmer of a smile passes over Cartman's face. It doesn't last, though, for his face contorts into a different emotion. "Listen bitch, in Garrison's class today, you asked me out. Why?"
This throws me for a loop. I knew Cartman was abrasive, but I didn't expect him to be this brash. "I... Uh..." I stammer, trying to get a grip on myself.
Cartman rolls his eyes. "Whatever, just know I'll go."
I turn my head towards him, shocked. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I said I'll go out with you, you dumb bitch! God, don't you fuckin' listen?"
After I process for a bit, I smile. "Awesome. Thanks, Cartman."
He shrugs, a blush creeping onto his face. "Whatever."

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The next day after school, Clyde and I walk to Freeman's Tacos, where he teaches me how to fold a taco.
"Do you think you get it now, (Y/n)?" Clyde asks, grinning.
I roll my eyes. "Dude, for the fourth time, I already know how to fold a taco; you don't have to teach me."
"I'll take that as a no."
He stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me and holding the taco. "Y'know, Donovan," I chuckle, "if I didn't know better, I'd say you were using this opportunity to hug me."
"What? No!" Clyde says sardonically.
We finish making tacos and sit down, enjoying each other's company. We talk, laugh, and share stories. I learn that Clyde and Bebe used to date (ew), and Clyde learns that I won an award for (F/s).
Afterwards, Clyde walks me home, holding my hand the entire way. As we arrive at the door, he squeezes my hand and smiles. "Thanks for doing this (Y/n). I hope we can do it again sometime."
I nod. "Of course! Thanks for walking me home, by the way."
I hug him tightly, and kiss his cheek. He stares at me in surprise. "Wha-"
"Bye Clyde!" I say sweetly, shutting the door.

Clyde's POV:

I stare at the door, dazed. I shake my head and turn to walk home.
The entire way there, I can't stop thinking about her- her laugh, her snide remarks, her hugs, her lips on my cheek, burning like fire.
She really is something, I think to myself. I hope I'll see more of her in the future. A lot more.