Mrs. Holmes [Book III]

Ruminations of the Detective

Once Susanna was asleep again, he rolled her over again so that she was against his side, with her head against his chest. He cradled her body with one arm and rested his head against hers. If she had a repeat of the dream, or experienced an actual nightmare, he was at the ready.

Sherlock knew that both of them were aging- the process was imminent and both had accepted it. Yes, they were still young and strong but that would only last so long. Sherlock knew that eventually, a long ways into the future, he would have to bow out and retire from fieldwork- perhaps train the next generations of detectives and lend his brain to academics. Susanna was already preparing to care for her parents in their advancing age and had expressed her desires towards retirement and so on.

But closer than retirement and what that entailed was the elephant in the room. They had discussed it and talked it over, but had agreed to wait until both were ready. Money wasn't an issue, although space was. That could easily be remedied with some clever solutions.

Susanna was well aware that the opportunity for children was fleeting. She wasn't infertile but the window would only be open for a while longer before the risks and dangers associated with pregnancy increased and or she couldn't conceive any longer because they'd waited too long. Even he couldn't calculate when "we'll wait a little longer" would become "we waited too long", and he didn't want the latter to occur.

Sherlock sighed and stroked Susanna's arm. Susanna had the capacity to love and nurture almost anyone. He had no doubt she was ready for a child. Susanna had wanted a family since she was little- she had developed skills and gained experience with children to, ultimately, prepare herself to raise a family of her own.

The sociopath detective she had taken as her husband, however? He hadn't had the blissful, family-centric home life that she had. His parents had loved and raised them as well as they could, but he hadn't wanted sentiment to destroy him. A family, let alone a romantic relationship, had been nixed at an early age. John had started Sherlock's transition from machine to human. Susanna had helped finish his transformation.

His only experience with children was with Rosie. He had learned the basics and loved Rosie. But she was his goddaughter, not his biological child. He wasn't her primary caregiver and it wasn't his primary responsibility to raise her, although he would always be there to help John to do so. He wouldn't let her become an idiot like most of the world.

It would be tremendously different with a child biologically bound to him and Susanna. He would be primarily responsible for their child, raising them with Susanna, and he couldn't stand by and watch like he did his experiments or the rest of the world. Parenting was an active, involved role and children required a lot of love, attention, nurturing, patience, and consistency. Sherlock's worst obstacle was sentiment.

He didn't love easily. He didn't love many people, let alone tolerate them. He wasn't especially patient, even with those closest to him. His life was hectic and he was always out running around London, chasing criminals and saving England. John was his partner in that realm- always would be. The army doctor craved thrills and adventure, even if he'd settled down a bit with Mary and Rosie.

Until Susanna, Sherlock had no desire for a domestic life. But she had cemented the idea of 221B as a home and brought with her the bliss and thrill of domesticity. With her, he found himself settling into a domestic life where he wasn't squirming and itching for action. He'd come to value home life- as normal as one would be for a consulting detective and forensic scientist- and enjoyed coming home to his beloved wife and lover every day. Having someone who had slightly more patience with him than John, understood him, empathized with him and saw through his masks was more than he could have asked for. He would never let John or Susanna go. They were his rocks- his twin supports who held him up and kept him right.

The brunette returned to the ultimate issue at hand. He was inexperienced and unprepared for a child. But unprepared and inexperienced didn't label him as unready. John and Mary had hardly been with Rosie and the little girl was growing up fine. The same was true with all first time parents. Even Susanna wouldn't be fully prepared for her own child, no matter her qualifications and experience.

Sherlock finally dug in and asked himself, "Do I want to have a child with Susanna?" He said it out loud, as if to validate that he was actually facing it. He submerged himself in his mind palace and tackled the question head on. Did he or didn't he want a child was critical.

He focused on that question for hours, until Susanna's stirrings prompted him to emerge. He hadn't been able to confidently answer his own question yet, but Sherlock felt that he was truly leaning towards wanting a child.

Thank you for reading!!