Jin+Jungkook

Angel

The grave was the last place, I thought, I'd visit. I stand before yours and wonder what I could've done differently. We were both young and had a long time to live. Was it something I did? There's a gut feeling that tells me I'm the one to blame. The sinking feeling that makes me feel unwelcome here—even in the darkest and solemn of places.

I can't look at your grave. Instead, I concentrate in the dozen of blue and white flowers in my hand. The flowers are freshly picked and look full of life but in a few days will be withered. They'll look horrible. The once beautiful flowers will look dried up and crumble away. That's how I feel; like I'm about to crumble.

I had been feeling solemn the last few weeks. It was nothing you did. It's just me. I know you tried to understand me. You tried to help me during those dark, heavy days. Ones where I let my emotions get the best of me. I was dragged into misery. I took you with me. I couldn't be saved.

I love you. I love you for trying to help me. I love you for staying by my side when no one would. I love you in ways I can't comprehend myself. I should've said it before but I couldn't. I was too scared, too anxious, and in self-doubt. For why would an angel fall in love with someone with demons? I have many burdens and one is letting you get here.

Whatever I did that led you here...it was my fault. I should've let you go when I could've. There was no reason to hold you by me. You could've been happy with someone else. It wouldn't have been half a life. Most of my days were dark. My better days were rare.

Those days will be gone. You were the reason I was happy. I know it looked like I wasn't but I was. I just didn't know how to show it. My lack of affection or emotion was normal to me. For you, it was hard. You tried to "bring me out of my shell". There's no shell.

I scream to be saved. You were the one who responded. The one who tried to save me from drowning but I fought against you. I let you drown. There's not enough "I'm sorry" or words of regret that could express how extremely apologetic I feel.

I don't know how to fix myself.

Will you be there if I followed? Wherever you are...will you wait for me?

You won't answer none of my questions. I know you can't but I'm desperately seeking for guidance. Yours only. You were that small shining light that tried to light up my darks days, hours, minutes. Why couldn't I see you were all I needed?

I needed to appreciate you. I needed your arms to hold me. I needed your voice. I needed that tranquility that you brought. I need all of you. I love you and I can't live without you.

The skies are gray. The wind is picking up. I know I chose the worst day to come but it matches me. The turbulence — it's me. The storm is about to begin. The drops of rain start to pour down. The gust of wind moving and trying to drag anything in its way.

"If I just lay here, will you lie with me?" I know I'm crazy for being out here when most would seek shelter but I can't leave you.

You loved embracing me during stormy days. I was at peace in your arms. Now, I only have myself. I'll pretend you're holding me. I'll fall asleep and pray that death takes me. I don't want to wake up if you're not there. Without you I'm nothing.

In my new life, I wish to be a better man. To be the best man in the world. A man who can love you like you deserve my sweet angel.

"I love you, hyung."

How beautiful would've it been to see your face when I finally returned your love. I finally say it and you can't hear the words. I know I can die now. I said it aloud and admitted it to you. I know it's not face to face and you didn't hear them. But I hope you understood I always did.

"Goodnight, hyung."

April 9, 2018