Jin+Jungkook

Replaceable

"Kookie! I got you your favorite chips," I said as I stepped in our apartment.

The apartment is unusually quiet. Kookie is always watching television or playing some online game. I step into each room to make sure he's okay. I don't want anything bad to ever happen to him.

I get to his room. All I hear is the movement of the bed hitting the wall. Then to add to my heartbreak I hear him moaning. It's not for me to hear. I step away.

I should've learned by now. Jungkook doesn't have a place for me in his heart. I'm nothing more than a friend. I had tried to win him over but attained nothing. It hurt to know he was at it again. I had let him know it made me uncomfortable to come home to such things. It wasn't necessary for me to say more because I trusted he would respect that. He did for a while but he the habit pertains.

I go to the kitchen to put the groceries away. Part of me wants to run out of this place to avoid seeing him come out of the room with his lover. I can't even scream at him for it. I'm not his boyfriend. I should probably kick him out.

Kick him out? That's so permanent, but then I haven't gotten anywhere in these last two years. I should ask him to move out. He can live with his boyfriend or whatever that man is to him. He can get a job for once in his life. I won't let him live off me— not anymore.

"Hyung? You're here. I thought you'd be at work." He looks so innocent but he knows what he's doing. He has to know. I've been played a fool for two years.

"Yeah, I'm home. I actually wanted to talk to you." He tilts his head to the side. His naked torso reminds me he's not who I thought he was. The hickeys, the bruises, those things were there to hurt me.

"What about?" He has the decency to grab an apple to eat it. His lover comes down the stairs and kisses him goodbye without acknowledging me.

"Sorry, hyung. If I would've known, I wouldn't have brought him here." He shakes his head. There's a smile present on his lips as he bites his apple.

"No worries. It won't be happening again." Breathe. You can do this. Do this for yourself.

"It won't, I promise."

"I want you to move out." His smile disappears. I can't look. I finish putting away the last of the groceries.

"I think, it's best. Jimin wants to move in and you've got a boyfriend...I have nothing to worry about." I try to find a logical excuse for this. I want to say the truth but he doesn't care.

"It's okay. He can move in with us. Jimin can move in the spare room. I don't mind. We can keep living together. It'll work."

"NO! Stop! I don't want you to live with me or him. I put a roof over your head, I feed you, I clothe you! You're not my child! You are taking advantage of the fact— I'm in love with you. You ask for anything and I give it to you. I ask for you to not bring anyone home and you do. You ask for so much and expect me to be okay with you flaunting yourself? I'm not!" I paused to catch my breath.

I can't let him speak. He'll probably change my mind. Jungkook always had that power over me. Anything he wanted I would get him. Anything.

"The sad part is that I'm replaceable. You can walk out of here and find someone else to do the same thing I'm doing. I'm not doing it anymore. I'll move on. I don't need you and you don't need me. If you did, you would've respected me like I do you. You have today to move out. Don't take anything I paid for."

"Hyung! You can't do that to me! Just because Jimin flaunts his ass to you doesn't mean I'm the same! You want me to be your lover? I will. You love me! Me! You can't kick me out because of him!"

He looks heated. He looks like he wants to beat me to the pulp. I won't let him badmouth Jimin. Jimin had been here for me when Jungkook couldn't be. He was the man I should've fallen in love with. Sadly, my heart didn't listen to my brain. I knew from the start that Jungkook would bring heartbreak.

"Jungkook? Stop!" I hold his hands before he makes a mess of my house. "You were very clear with your actions. I'm nothing to you but a bank account. I'm asking you to leave. Your boyfriend can give you a place to stay. If not I can give you a hundred dollars so you can spend the night in a hotel. I don't want you here anymore."

I know I shouldn't give him any more money but I could afford to give him some money for a one night stay at a decent hotel. I wouldn't give him for anything extravagant— not anymore.

"This is because of Jimin? Or is it because you can't have me? I told you I'd be your lover." He stands closer and tries to hug me. I don't want him to touch me when he just finished touching another man. I push him away.

"No, it's not about either of those things. It's about me having a piece of mind. I won't if I have random strangers in my house. I can't when you're so close. Just go to your room and pack. Or better yet leave."

"No, hyung. I'll be good. I'll be good. It'll only be me and you from now on. Just don't do this." He keeps begging and I want to give in. I, also, want this to end.

I go upstairs and get a luggage case and stuff clothes. I didn't care if I paid for it or not. I just wanted him out of here. I stuffed it quickly and hastily. Jungkook came upstairs and tried to take out the clothes. Once I deemed he had enough I closed it with some trouble because Jungkook was fighting against me.

This wouldn't be like the other times. I'm setting myself free from him and from myself. A self that would only see him and only him. I will survive this heartbreak and he can find someone else to break. Maybe, I could put myself back together. I'm determined to come out of this stronger.

I grabbed his hands and pulled him along with the luggage. He tried to fight me off but I was determined to get him to leave. Once we got to the doorway, I paused.

"Don't come back and don't look for me." I continued to hold him and opened the door. He didn't want to leave. His feet had tried to get some grip to push against me. I threw him out the door. It wasn't something I ever planned or wanted to do. Seeing him in tears didn't make it easier.

I pushed the luggage bag out. I looked at him for one last time. This was the boy I remembered bringing into my home. The one who seemed so vulnerable and unable to do any harm. It wasn't him. He's not real.

"Here," I said. Giving him a hundred dollar bill from my wallet. I let it drop since he's to shocked to take it. "I won't give you any more. Bye, Jungkook. I hope you understand what you do and learn to value people who try to be with you."

I close the door. I lock it. I'll need to get new locks and possibly change my address. Move to a place where he can't find me. I don't ever want to run into him. My heart couldn't take that. I'm sorry.

In this world we're all replaceable.

April 29, 2018