Flames || Rhink

After Work

Rhett stayed for the next few hours. He helped me tidy up my living room and bedroom. We talked about show ideas like old times, even though I was no longer a part of the show. We watched a movie and I even managed to eat a few handfuls of popcorn.

 Things were so much better with him around. I was so much more alive with him. 

Ironically, I still thought about the matches. I had thought about them all morning. At Martha's, during the movie, even in the car.

They were infectious. I even went to the bathroom once, picked one out of the box and thought very hard about doing it, but Rhett might smell the smoke and I had no way to explain if he asked.

So I waited until he left before I made my move.

He told me to text him if I needed him and that he'd be back around to see me. 

I thanked him for everything and once he was gone, I went straight to the bathroom.

I picked out a few matches and laid them along the edge of the sink. Then I lit them one by one and placed them on my inner thigh.

It felt painfully familiar and my craving's were set free. I finally felt at peace.

I knew better but I needed it. My body needed to feel the flame.

I thought about Rhett and how beautiful he was and how perfect he was and how much I loved him and it made all this worse. He was just in my house again for the first time in over a month and instead of getting better, I got worse. I thought with Rhett I would forget about the matches and the fire and get over them but I didn't. 

It was so hard to stop thinking about the bad things and focus on what was happy, and standing right in front of me.

I worried the entire time that Rhett was with me that he'd figure something out. He'd see the truth and that hindered me from regaining the relationship I once had with Rhett. My perfect best friend.

But god, wasn't he enough? I thought to myself. Could Rhett fix me?

I thought he would have but I still felt broken when he left. I was miserable inside my own body and it hurt.

--

At work Devin decided to stay as far away from me as possible.

I was happy with that though, because I really hated him now. Seeing his face reminded me of Dingos and his drunken state.

It also reminded me of what Rhett said to him and I would find myself smiling stupidly at the register.

Customers weren't as bad today but one in particular wanted to mock me because he thought it was funny to act dumb in front of his friends.

At one point, I found myself wanting to hit the boy, but I would have gone to jail real quick. So I didn't. Instead, I stopped talking and pretended like I knew sign language. The boys game failed and he went back to his friends and left.

Working in retail isn't as easy as it sounds. It's the fucking worst. 

The day dragged on and on until it finally hit 11 and I was free.

I was sad to be going home alone but it was okay because it was my life.

I waited until I saw Devin pull out of the parking lot and then I drove off. 

At home I followed my usual routine until I received a text from Rhett.

"Hope work went well. Will come by in the morning if that's cool. Wanna talk. Goodnight Link."