From The Ashes.

Chapter 45

Zak probably knew I needed some privacy so he took Cody and I up to the Attic Garden. I was terrified of reading the letter, of finding out what she thought. What right did I have to be dumping all this on her now? After all, she'd saved my life. Didn't that mean I owed her everything? Zak must have realised I wanted to be left alone because he walked over to his carving desk as Cody went to play with Eryx in the trees. I found myself watching them, the envelope sitting in my hands as, just for a moment, I let myself imagine what my life would be like here. It was hard to imagine, after all I'd spent only two weeks here, but at the same time it felt simple. I'd do chores, watch Cody grow up, be able to see Zak when he truly became the Alpha. 

I'd be able to continue my fight training with Hana and help Dot look after the kids. I could see myself sitting around the campfire, singing songs with Jerry or helping Andrew create his outfits. I could see a life here, a good one, if we weren't all slaughtered by an enemy in the shadows. Maybe, it was a good idea to leave. Maybe, I should think about my own chance of survival, of the life I could lead if I was still in the human world. But... I'd already almost died once and that was at my own hand. Didn't I have the right to choose what my life would be like, even if I only had a limited time to experience it? I could be happy here. I knew that to be true somewhere inside myself.

But, what had my life been like in the human world? Sure, there had been some times where I thought I could be happy but they didn't last long. They were always stolen by someone or something. I remembered before meeting Rachel, after work sitting in Forest Park and just letting the tears stream down my face. I didn't know why I was hurting but I knew I wanted it to stop. It felt like the entire world was against me, so much so that it took me a second to realise there were wolves moving in the forest ahead of me. Now, I knew they must have been on patrol but I didn't know that then. To me, they were just normal wolves. So, when the brown one with the hazel eyes dove headfirst into a snow drift, I'd had to bite my lip to keep from laughing too loudly just in case I startled them. It was one of my favourite memories, now even more precious to me because I now understood that the wolf had been Caerun who had probably wanted to cheer me up.

I got the feeling that even before I found out what they were, my life had been tentatively wound in with there's. Like, six degrees of separation. My favourite store was Mr Durvis', I worked the nights purely so I could see the wolves as they moved through the forest. Without knowing it, my life had already began to rotate around the werewolves. It was a strange thing to think about. But at the same time, not really. Before Rachel, my life was just crushingly lonely. After Rachel... I'd thought it was happier but after coming here, I'd learned what true happiness really was. It was sitting at a table eating food with your friends, it was waking up wrapped in the arms of the man who was quickly becoming very important to me. It was watching Codys face light up when anything went his way.

My life with Rachel hadn't been the greatest. We lived by Ceres' rules, texting or calling her was always a major risk because even something that simple could set off his temper. I'd lost count of the amount of times Ceres had hit her in front of me, he eventually just stopped giving a crap, especially when I jumped in front of the hits for the first time. He seemed to enjoy it but I couldn't let her be the only one to suffer that kind of pain. Now that I'd had a break from that life, I couldn't really bring myself to regret it. After all, I'd done what I'd done because I wanted to protect my friend and I couldn't really find fault in that. But, was it a life I wanted to return to? I wasn't entirely sure.

Finally, I looked back down at the envelope, now stained with tears I hadn't realised were falling from my cheeks. I didn't want to open it. I didn't want to see what kind of future waited for me inside. I was scared, of changing, of making the wrong decision, of letting people who relied on me down. I was scared of letting someone who needed me go. I knew, now, that I had a need to be needed but what I had never considered was what I needed myself. I looked out of the window, the warm breeze rustling my hair. I felt at peace here, even as my stomach twisted with nerves. it was strange, to want everything to change but simultaneously stay the same.