alaska - hariana

1.4 // hurting

Ariana's thoughts ran rapid. They were all over the place, she kept blaming herself, convincing herself that maybe if she had done something different, if she had said something, if she had asked if she was okay, Alaska would still be here.

Harry looks at her, her brows were turned up, glazed eyes, her bottom lip trapped under her teeth, her chin wobbled - he knew that look all too well.

"It's not," Harry quietly whispers. He's across the room, sitting in his chair, placing the memorial cards on stands.

She looks at him, with a few stray tears escaping from her big, sad brown eyes. He gets up from his chair, and places her in his lap and places a kiss on her head. His girl is hurting, and he doesn't know how to help because he's hurting too. He should know how to help, he should be able to help, but he just can't. This was much more than anything they had every experienced, and no one really knew how to handle it.

And they really don't know how to handle her funeral. How to hold themselves together or be able to talk to other people without falling apart, they're just going with the flow and hoping things work out.

Her service is in two days. Two days, forty-eight hours. Two days left to prepare what the boys and her are going to say, two days left for everything to be finalised, forty-eight hours until they have to say their final farewells.

This is a certain type of hell that none of them would wish on anybody, not even their worst enemy. It's all affecting them differently, they're all grieving in their own way.

But they will say one final goodbye together, all in the same way.

//

Everything had been finalised, their clothes had been picked out, flowers had been watered, pictures have been propped up, but their hearts were still down. Who could blame them?

Dusk had come upon them, and as he was about to get into the shower, Niall took a good look at himself in the mirror. He was tired. Unbelievably tired, exhausted, mentally and physically drained. You could see it in his eyes because they were not his sky blue anymore, they were almost grey. His hair was ruffled and his face showed signs of a beard coming in, he looks like a whole wreck.

But he's in love with a dead girl, how else is he supposed to look?

The one thing that nobody knew, besides his torn up journal, was that he was going to ask Alaska out on a date that morning, he had it all planned out, he knew exactly where to go and what to do, he was so nervous and then in a matter of hours his whole mind and heart shattered, his plan had left his mind.

Scattered around like paper in the wind, and he was not fast enough to get them all to put them back together. Pieces of him are missing. Somewhere in the wind, in the sky, somewhere with Alaska.

//

Ariana's dress didn't fit properly. It was loose around the waist, and the straps were falling down. She was frustrated because she couldn't tighten it any further, but if you were to take a good, long look at her, you would figure out why.

And if you happen to not understand, Harry can tell you. Because every time he looks at her he just wants to scoop her up and tell her how much he loves her, and that she will be okay, that she needs to take care of herself and he will somehow help her as he helps himself and the rest of his mates.

She's so tiny. Her usual small body has become fragile, easy to break. Her ribs could be seen through shirts, so she has been asking the boys if she could wear their jumpers. Her favourites were Liam and Zayn's, because they both used the same cologne and they kept her warm, they were so big on her they went down to her knees, the inside of them were soft. And she knew in some odd, weird way, she was safe in them.

Anytime Zayn gave her one, before he put it over her tiny, bony body, he would kiss his fingers and place it on her heart, and then kiss the top of her head, like he was trying to help heal her. She appreciated it more than she could ever express, so instead, after he puts it on her, she nods her head and gives him a hug. He knew that was her "thank you."

She wishes she could wear Harry's, because his scent made her feel at home but every time she smelt his scent, she knew how disappointed he would be in her, because he knew why she was hiding behind the jumpers.

She wasn't eating, she hasn't eaten much, she's barely spoken ten sentences since that night. She feels sick every time she eats, like she won't be able to hold anything down, but the image of Alaska isn't leaving her head and that's the only thing she can think about. So, instead, she just sips tea quietly while huddled in a corner.

//

But if you look around Louis is suffering silently. He's gone mute, his best friend just lost her sister, to a stupid rope and a stupid tree. He feels like he doesn't even deserve to talk, because he should have used his voice to help Alaska.

He should have spoken to her more, he should have made more jokes and smiled at her more. He should have pulled a prank on her and given her more weird nicknames, he believes he should have done a lot of things differently.

But what all of them are failing to understand, there was nothing they could have done to help save their angel. Nothing would have stopped her, nothing could have changed her mind, she had sealed her fate, and nothing would have changed that.

None of it was their fault, and yet, they all feel as if it is. She doesn't want them to feel like this, and she's going to let them know she's okay.

-

Thank you, harianatrash , intrusivebutera , greedyforliam , and pettygrande for showering me with love and sweet comments, this whole book is dedicated to you four, because without you, I don't think it would have gotten this far. I love y'all so much

Thank you to all of you for reading and enjoying!

Who's point of view do you want to see in the coming chapters? Or would you prefer third person?

Surprise POV coming soon? ;)

-A