After the breakup between me and Jake I wasn't upset
He had his own situations and brought the anger out on me
Even though it was not my fault
He told me he couldn't trust me
That I should just leave like everyone else
He said he loved me
I said I loved him back
But what we really meant was 'I don't love you but I don't want to be alone'
Monday 10:56 pm
"I love you"
"I love you too..."
Monday 11:03 pm
"But I can't do this Jake"
I guess that's what saying goodbye is always like, like jumping off an edge.
The worst part is making the choice to do it.
Once you're in the air, there's nothing you can do about it
I don't know what had control of my body to send that text, maybe it was because I had panic attacks every night questioning myself if it was worth loving him.
Or maybe it was because we ignored each other in person, or how he would only be nice and willing to talk when he was high or tired.
I should've said goodbye a long time ago
Maybe things would be different.
Maybe things would be better.
Maybe he wouldn't be in my head every minute of every day of every week
Maybe I wouldn't cry every night holding my own hand pretending it's his
I wouldn't be crying at old photos of him smiling
Now thinking to myself that I can't make that same smile appear on his face
I wouldn't have to cry to myself:
"I still love someone. But I'm now a stranger to them...."
You'll pretend it was easy for him to leave. You'll tell your friends he probably never loved you anyway. They'll say you deserved better
It's easy to paint him as the bad guy. It's easier to make it black and white and forget the grey. It's easy to turn a complicated story into a simple one.
After all, how do you tell the truth? The version of the story that hurts the most.
That you loved him. And then you left
That there was no good or bad in any of it. That it was just too complicated to explain, that the love both of us had,
just wasn't enough.
I changed his name on my Snapchat from a heart to just "Jake"
I stopped seeing him at the after school spot where all of our group meets, even though he still went there.
Nick, his best friend asked what happened, I just replied with a short "just wasn't working". Jake claimed that Jake had a new girl, I nodded and laughed. even though I could've broken down in front of everybody and claimed my love for him was still as strong as anything.
"So you guys are still friends?"
"Yeah of course"
I lied.
I didn't want to talk to him
See his face
See those puppy blue drooping eyes
Knowing there was someone else he would rather be with
I saw her name on Nicks phone
"Is she pretty?" I ask
"No clue, she's never even met Jake. Someone said that he's just tuning her for the laughs to get back at you" Nick whispered
I smiled and faked a faint laugh, I didn't know what to believe.
The weeks went by slow, I was looking back, having the flashbacks haunt me.
When I was with him I had never been as happy as I was before in my life.
I felt so thin, light, numb.
I would get home and jump on my bed, have convocations with my dog about how I'd fallen in love.
Now all I'd rather do is brush past anything that got in my way and sleep
I wanted to just close my eyes and never wake up
