The smell kept coming back to me
The texture of his hair in my hands was shot through my brain again. His arms, his shoulders, his neck.
everything was haunting me.
everything was back.
it was like he had never left, almost forgotten but never gone. all i wanted to do was to wrap my arms around his body and have his head on mine. that's all i wanted
that's all i needed
i didn't bother to think about anything, i couldn't.
i didn't have anything else but him in my head, i was so angry but so remorseful. i could never be mad at him, i was never mad at him.
no
i was angry.
how could he do this to me?
i was doing just fine
he was out of my head,
and he had to show up
out of no where.
i couldn't get his face out of my head, the way he walked, talked. i didn't know what to do. i couldn't just text him, i didn't want to see him. i'd ignore him, he's in the year above, what could he do.
but what would the girls do, what would they say when they found out, maybe they already know. of course they already know, he's at our school for fuck sake.
why would he do this?
the way he looked at me for the first time in months, his faint smile, his eyes. blue, puppy blue. his hands, rings, fingers.
the small things got to me, no matter what they were, everything that made up him was just perfect and i didn't understand.
but
what about nick?
what would i tell him
i hadn't even thought of him..
i'm slowly falling apart
no
this cant affect me, not this way. i will not let that asshole control me, not again. i'm not doing this again, i can't do this.
That night i cried myself to sleep, like as i did when i was still with him. it's like the feelings never left, i dont think they will ever leave now. i've lost myself. I was only remembering things about jake, nothing else was relevant to me, at all. all i was thinking about was his laugh, his hair, body, soft skin. i just needed everything to stop, i couldn't take it.
the tears rolled down my puffed cheeks, the house was silent apart from my heavy breaths.
i reached for my hand
and wrapped my fingers around my own
the thought of jake next to me, stroking my hair, hearing his voice again, mila you're so beautiful, just remember that"
more salted water filled my eyes and streamed down to my pillow. my grip tightened around my knuckles, then i placed my head in my hands.
"you're perfect, and you're mine"
his voice filled the spaces in my torn heart, the pain in my chest grew more and more painful, a sharp knife was plunged through my back, twisting back and fourth. i cried a little more then let go of my hand and faced myself towards the ceiling.
i was only remembering the memories of him we had together in this room.
"do you think life is just a huge repeat?"
"what on earth are you taking about, you're a strange boy"
"no. like, what if this is all fake, and maybe one day when we die, we wake up"
"you're insane hahahah"
"i'm insanely in love with you"
sometimes he didn't make sense, but i didn't care, i loved him. for all i know, i would've died for him.
i did this to myself
this was all my fault
i loved him
and i left him.
this is not what i wanted, i just wanted to be happy. but i guess we can't all get what we want .
*6 hours later*
I didn't sleep at all, the 7am alarm went off and my chest concaved into my ribs. i just wanted everything to disappear, i didn't want to exist at all. i could hear my mum calling me downstairs but i ignored it. i rolled onto my side and remembered what i had to do. i wasn't going to let him tear me apart, i was in a better place without him, i was with nick now.
i pushed myself off my side, put my skirt and shirt on then ran downstairs.
"morning. you had a bit of a sleep in didn't you"
"yeah i'm sorry, but i have to go or i'll be late. love you, bye"
i ran out the door with half a piece of vegemite in my mouth. i ran down the footpath and past the petrol station. i decided to walk for a bit, practicing ignoring things, irrelevant things like jake.
i strutted my way into school feeling confident enough, then i remembered the girls. i headed up towards them, they all ran to me.
"mila"
"there's a slight problem"
i laughed softly, "i know jakes here, and for the record i don't care about him anymore. he's irrelevant"
they all looked at each other, "what are you going to do mi?" sheri whispered.
i took a deep breath and nodded, "i've got it taken care of". They all smiled then gave me a hug and we all proceeded to walk to english. I knew damn well that i'd get rid of jake, completely out of my head.
we passed a few year elevens in the halls, i had a feeling i would see Jake. and i was right, the smell swerved my nose once again, he was here.
in front of me came Jake, standing, facing me.
"feeling better Milly?" he cheekily smiled.
he knew i hated people calling me Milly.
"Just fine, i'm feeling great Jay"
He hated it when i called him Jay.
He squinted his eyes and clenched his jaw, "good, ill see you around then" he smirked, then proceeded to push past me.
i growled to myself, this was not the end. he was only wanting attention and i wasn't going to give it to him, he had already made so many friends. i needed to think, about what i was going to do about him.
he wanted a war, he'd get one.
