I always believed that when young people died, they'd turn into angels. Maybe my brother was looking down on my family.
The memories of my brother would always get to me at hard times, i would always remember him, think about what had happened. If i could've done something to stop it. what had we become? i was scared of my own father, my own mother couldn't protect me.
i just wanted Coen back, my family wouldn't of been like this, my father would've been happy. My mother would've been here more.
I would've been safe, happy.
It was times like these i would sit in silence and cry, everything would slowly crush me as i remembered more and more.
Sometimes you need a little sadness in your life so you can look forward to the good times, i was still waiting on the good times.
Being a girl didn't help, having periods, mood swings. i was almost constantly crying over nothing, but it relieved so much stress. i would never cry in front of people, everyone thought i was the strongest out of the group, and that i had no emotions. i was scared if i ever told anyone that i cried i would be named weak.
My anxiety would come to my head thinking about those thoughts, what people would think of me. but for this situation it was about Jake. What about the girl he was with? Was he still with her? Did he still care for her?
Was i enough?
Was i anything to him?
I acted like i didn't care about him, but the truth was, every time i passed him in the halls my breath would disappear into thin air.
My head would be in one place but my heart would be somewhere else.
He still loves you
No he doesn't, he's gone. Forget about it
Maybe he still dreams about you
As if, he's probably thinking about that other girl.
I would tear myself down from limb to limb, and i'd never be able to get back up.
At school he would sit across the courts with his friends, it was a clear view from where i would sit. He would always sit there listening to music, music i sometimes hated but it wasn't bad most of the time. we had different opinions, different tastes in everything.
There are dreamers and there are realists in this world, you'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposites do attract.
You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from floating away. And the realists? Well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.
Jake was based too much into reality, he was stuck somewhere he might've not gotten out of. I showed him the places i visited to get away from reality, he never understood the meaning it gave me but maybe he had his own dream.
He used to be a photographer, he would bike ride down to the river near his house that had a lookout. He would just sit there sometimes with the camera attached to his face, other times he told me he just sat there.
I guess he used to be a dreamer, but i guess people change too.
We all change, not always positively.
I now looked at jake as a different person, someone arrogant, selfish and self centred. I sometimes told myself i wish i had never met him, and that i could've been happy with nick.
wait
nick
i needed to tell him, what was he going to say, maybe he knew.
imessage 9:23 pm
Mila:
Nick? Are you up?
Nick:
Yeah just about to go to bed, why?
Mila:
I need to tell you something, it's not a big deal but i just wanted you to know
Nick:
Yeah okay, what is it?
Mila:
Jake moved to our school yesterday....
Nick:
Oh, i didn't know that. Me and jake haven't talked in ages. Just be careful
Mila:
Yeah, i hopefully will
Nick:
*logged off*
i could tell nick was upset, i didn't blame him. he was probably wondering what was going to happen next, but so was i.
All of a sudden i had gotten a text from Jake.
Jake?
why jake?
What did he want? He hadn't texted me since the breakup, maybe he was trying to piss me off more.
Jake:
Mila
Mila:
What
Jake:
I wanted to apologise, for the way i had been acting lately
Mila:
Oh. well, yeah i guess you could've approached me a little better.
Jake:
I was scared
Mila:
Scared of what
Jake:
Seeing your face again
Mila:
...
Jake:
I'm sorry, i shouldn't be telling you this, you're with nick now and that's all you should worry about.
Mila:
Well thanks i guess, and goodnight
Jake:
Goodnight...
I hadn't taken one breath while texting him, why would he apologise, i thought he hated me. why was he being so nice, like he used to be.
He didn't, like me again, did he? no.
I was acting stupid, why would i ever think about that, butterflies filled my stomach again.
Maybe he did
Maybe he cared again,
loved...
shut up.
i couldn't do this to nick, i would never, i was not going to let Jake do this. I rolled over on the side of my stomach and sunk my head into the pillow. My eyes were stinging from crying, all i needed was some sleep, i was acting insane.
Every time i closed my eyes they would open again, why was this happening. There was too much on my mind, i needed to calm down, it wasn't that bad of a situation.
Just some stupid boy
just some boy...
