He would stare at me when we sat down for lunch, i could always see his blue eyes from meters away. he would give me a smile and i'd immediately look away, i wouldn't look back.
His friends would call out my name while we played sport next to them, i'd avoid it most of the time, but other times i'd give them the finger.
He didn't deserve me ignoring him or purposely being a bitch. but i needed something to get him off my mind, he was a bad person, i needed him out of my life. And i needed nick back in my life.
I tried to contact nick as much as i could so i could place my mind in a more peaceful setting. He was usually doing work or playing soccer, so he wouldn't really respond much.
the girls would check up on me sometimes, id tell them i was fine and that they had nothing to worry about. i didn't tell sheri about the text jake sent me, i couldn't. she'd start something between me and jake, she'd get too involved. i hated whenever people tried to help my problems, it made me feel weak, like i couldn't do it myself.
i was used to doing things on my own, when it came down to my parents and loosing my brother, i was always home alone and taking care of myself.
id sometimes talk to myself, Jake would always call me a weirdo because i did. i had thoughts i just needed to say out loud, and if i didn't have the courage to tell anyone i would tell myself.
I had a diary with all my deepest darkest secrets, it was practically my fairy godmother.
ever since i was 12 i would write in it every night. when i got older it would be more like once a month, but i still wrote down everything. writing was a source of getting rid of anxiety. i hadn't shown anybody the diary apart from sheri, i read out a few pages from when i was in year 7 taking about my major crushes and the bitchy girls i didn't like. i never showed anyone the pages i was writhing when i was depressed or anxious. I knew it would be too deep for some people
i never showed Jake any, i don't know why. Maybe i knew he wouldn't be ready, there was a lot of things about him, sometimes i had doubts about him, sometimes i would say things i didn't mean, things i never wanted to repeat.
The next day at school i had a class with the year 10's who tutored us for one of the upcoming tests. Of course Jake was in the class, and of course he'd be chosen to tutor me.
He came over to my table and sat next to me, "morning" he smiled. i raised an eyebrow and proceeded to do my work. He eyed my work then took my pencil off me, i crossed my eyebrows. "This question is wrong, you have to multiply the denominator as well as the top" he said looking dead into my eyes. i took a while to process what he had said, his eyes had distracted me.
"Right okay, thanks" i mumbled then snatched back the pencil he had taken from me.
We didn't talk for 15 minutes, i was comfortable with doing my work and he was comfortable talking with the boy sitting next to him. Then out of the blue he whispered into my ear, "meet me at the lockers in 5" then he got out of his seat and left the room.
Why would he want to meet with me, i was only thinking about what he was wanting to say. i was so confused, i got up out out of my seat and asked to go to the bathroom. i left the room and started walking towards the lockers.
My stomach had flipped sideways as i turned to face the empty hall of lockers. "Hello?" i said. I walked to the end and there was no one there, "the asshole left me here alone". I started waking back when suddenly a cold set of hands grabbed my shoulders, i screamed. I turned around and Jake slapped his hand onto my mouth, "shut up, someone's gonna hear you" he quietly laughed. I giggled a bit then realised this was not a good idea. "Jake why am i here"
He looked down and sighed, "i made a mistake Mila. I was a dick, and i need you back". He looked up at me and creased his face, i stepped back. "Jake, no. You don't just get to decide when you want me and when you don't. You can't just ask me back. You know i'm with nick now".
"i know. But he's not right for you Mila, he's barely ever available, you would never even be able to see him"
I took a deep breath then let out a sarcastic laugh, "i'm not doing this again" i grabbed my bag and left him standing there. of course i wanted to go back, i had been waiting so long for him to say that and i chose to walk away.
As soon as i stepped back into class the bell rang, i passed everyone and walked down stairs, all i wanted to do was go home and cry. i didn't know what else to do. I hopped into the car and didn't say a word, i couldn't get my mind off him, he was flooding me.
For hours i laid in bed and listened to the speaker play the same song over and over again. What would i tell nick, i couldn't tell him, it would only create something bigger. but i couldn't just keep it to myself?
no
of course i could keep it to myself, that's all i ever did with everything.
All i had to do was keep quiet and forget about it. But how could i forget about something like that.
i needed to write.
February 12th 2018,
I wish today never existed, out of all the days in the world i just wish today never happened. Jake told me he wanted me back, i wanted to cry then and there.
I cant tell anyone what happened, what would i even say. I cant go through this again, i was in so much pain, my body isn't capable of dealing with something like that.
I need to get him out of my head.
R.O
