人生の本。

03 happiness.

"How do you feel? I haven't seen you in a while, Carter." My therapist asked as she looked down at her clipboard, writing down God knows what. I've been seeing a therapist for about 4 years now, she knew everything about me, from my favorite song to my pet peeves. Her name was Cathy, short for Catherine. She was a nice person, somewhat like an older best friend. I stopped seeing her for awhile because I had needed time alone, with nobody around. I shrugged my shoulders at her question, looking at her. 

"I feel great." She looked up from her clipboard, her pen stopping. "Seriously?" Her expression were about five different types of confused. I noticed that I'd never really actually answered her questions without venting for about 3 hours, she didn't care though, it was her job. I looked down at my hands, which were rested on each of the armrests and moved them into my lap, and began fiddling with the ring on my finger. "Yeah, I'm really fine." She moved the clipboard off her lap, putting the pen down on it as she crossed her legs and flatted out her clean, black pencil skirt. 

"You feel fine? Just fine? Nothing you wanna share? Things on your mind that bother you?" I shook my head softly and leaned back in the chair, looking her way. Her expression still looked uneasy, as if she thought I was hiding something, which I really wasn't. She tilted her head a bit. "Are you telling the truth, Carter?" I nodded again. "I'm not lying, Cathy." I shrugged again. "I'm being 100% honest, I'm really fine." She nodded slowly, looking down at her own hands. "You'd say that a lot and end up five feet in depression, so it's hard for me to understand. What'd you do?" 

I sat up slightly, inhaling deeply and letting out a relaxed breath. "I accepted my life." She looked up at me and grabbed her clipboard and pen. "Elaborate." She said. "Tell me everything." 

I nodded and cleared my throat slightly. "I feel happy, Cathy. Honestly, I do." I nodded slowly. "I feel like myself again, I feel complete. I accepted the fact that I can't always dwell on the past. I can't turn back time, and I can't live my life in depression." I ran my fingers through my hair. "I was in a toxic shell, you know what I'd do. All the sleepless nights, all the regrets, all the memories, dwelling on the past, not looking forward, bottling my feelings. It wasn't worth it. There was a day where I cried my last tears, where I listened to the song she loved for the last time, where I finally went to sleep on time, where I finally threw away everything we had together." I shook my head and looked down. 

 "The feeling is always there, the heartbreak is always there and it won't go away, but the pain did. The emotions that would hold me back didn't let me go, but I broke free from it myself. I thought I would never do it, but I did. I finally let go of who I was and went on to become someone new, someone different, someone who was stronger. I was hurt badly, I admit that. My actions got me into an even deeper depression than I thought I was already in." I looked towards the window beside Cathy, who'd been closely listening. "The memories are there, always will be. I've accepted that all that pain will stay with me and shape me into who I am now. I moved on. I found my happiness and I'm content with where I am now. I don't lose sleep thinking about her, I don't lose my appetite because of something she or I said, or because of something I did. I don't isolate myself from anyone anymore, I don't bottle my feelings, I don't lie, I don't get attached quickly because I know that no matter what, everyone will leave, no matter what they say." 

Cathy looked down at her clipboard and quietly began writing. "Continue, Carter, I'm still listening." She said. With pleasure, I continued. "I realized nobody will stay unless they truly mean it, and that's what made me happy, it opened my eyes and made me see what to look out for." I smiled softly to myself, closing my eyes slightly. 

"And what would that be?" She asked quietly. 

"That would be the people who care for the small things about you." I said. "The people who ask if you're okay, the people who talk to you for hours, and no matter where the conversation goes, it's still nice to talk to them. Doesn't matter if it's a friend or a lover. It's the ones who ask if you ate, if you slept, the one who ask 'how was your day?', the ones who think about you and try their hardest to keep a smile on your face. The ones who text you 24/7 just cause they like talking to you or cause they wanna know what you're up to. The ones who spam your phone to get your attention. The ones who listen actively to your problems and do what they can to make you feel better or even fix them. The ones who know the real you by paying attention to your actions and the small things you do, not what you tell them. That's true love. That's a real person. That's how I learned to cope and be happy." Cathy continued to write, peeking up at me when  I stopped. 

"I stopped coming to see you for a reason..." She looked up from her book, her pen stopping. "I needed to be alone, I needed to isolate myself and stop looking at other people for answers when I needed to find them myself. I needed to accept what happened, and all the damage that she and I have caused. I knew what she did, and I knew what I did. I accepted both sides and moved on from them. I didn't forget her, she's always gonna be in my head, but I don't think about her anymore, not even when I see her in the streets, or in the park by my house." I smiled towards Cathy. "So when I tell you I'm happy, I mean it." 

The elder woman in front of me smiled widely, tears of joy forming in her eyes. "I'm so proud of you, Carter." She grinned, wiping her eyes. "You came a long way, you did it." I chuckled softly and rubbed the back of my neck slightly. "It took a lot but, you're right, I did do it." She smiled up at me and pushed the clipboard aside again, looking my way. "So, what do your days consist of now?" 

I shrugged softly, adjust the glasses on my face so they'd be fitted with my nose. "Well now, I work as a part-time photographer. I like capturing the moment, and being the one who captured it if that makes sense." I chuckled. "When I'm not doing that, I'm a waiter at the diner downtown. Both jobs pay well so I can always treat myself when the weeks end. I live with a roommate, who happens to be a childhood friend of mine and we live happily together. We go to parties, we eat, and just have a good time." I nodded softly, smiling towards Cathy. 

"Wow, you've outdone yourself." She smiled and nodded. "Looks like you won't even need these sessions anymore." I shook my head and smiled at her again. "Nah, I'll still come to see you, always." She nodded and reached over, patting my head. She always did that, when the sessions would end.

"Alright Carter, last question." She smiled and picked up her pen, getting ready to write. "What's something you'd say to someone who's going through what you went through? Or, what's advice you'd give you past self?" She smiled, waiting for my answer. 

"Well..." I mumbled, looking at my hands, closing my eyes to let the question sink in. "I'd say...accept what you've done. Accept what they did to you or what caused you to be this way. There's always a moment where you know it's time to move on. You take that opportunity no matter what, because it's what will help you prevail in the future, it'll shine a light on the dark shroud that's keeping you trapped in the past. Don't let the past take over you, find someone new, find something that will truly make you happy. Find real happiness. Pain is always gonna happen, nobody would be living if that weren't the case. Pain is life, but so is happiness. Don't hesitate on anything, don't dwell on the past, don't let yourself down. Everyone will leave, everyone can't be trusted. However, when you meet the right person, that judgment will change. Once you find that person, don't let them go. No matter what anyone says about them. Don't. Let. Them. Go." 

Cathy finished writing and smiled small. "Amazing.." She smiled. "You're amazing." She got up and so did I. She reached out her hand for me to shake and I gladly did. She pulled me in by my hand and gave me a tight hug, a hug that I gladly returned. "Keep up the good work. Stay smiling." I smiled and nodded. "I will, thank you." She nodded and let me go, walking towards the door and opening it, I walked over and grabbed the knob, holding the door for her, she smiled at me and quietly walked out of the room, her high heels clicking against the tiled floor. I turned back around and looked into the room I was about to leave. I looked around at the books, the coffee table, the window, the rug, everything. I had my darkest times in this room, I went through everything in this room. I smiled and sighed in relief. 

"Thank you..." I whispered and closed the door behind me, walking away and never return.