人生の本。

04. freedom in space

  "I like to chill, a matter of fact, I am chill. And I'm fine with that. I need time to myself and I need to be free." I said as I shook my head, chomping into a cold green apple I took from lunch at school. I had been sitting in the park with my group of friends, however, I just ended up isolating myself from them and sat with my best friend Rachel. "I know something is wrong with you, Izz, just speak to me." She pleaded as she sat by me on the bench. "You're distancing yourself..." I looked towards her. "How exactly am I distancing myself?" I questioned. "You kinda proved it when you walked away from our friends..." I scoffed. "Maybe I just need to be free, okay?" I looked at her. "You already know me, you know I'm simple, but you also know that I'm hard to crack now, you know I've learned my fair share of people in my life. I'm not as clueless as people think. I just lack the freedom I desire and the voice I need." Rachel sighed. 

   "Why have you changed Izz? Why're you different?" I chuckled and swallowed whatever what was left of the apple in my mouth. "You're seriously not asking that, are you?" I looked at her before shaking my head. "Maybe because I've been around people who can do you so dirty but smile in your face at the same time. But then again, why not?" I looked back at my hands. "Why not change?" She raised an eyebrow, due to the fact I'd been smiling. "Also at some point, you need to realize that you no longer give a shit about any negativity in this fucked up world we live in." She chuckled. "Alright, meaning what exactly?" she sat down next to me, she crossed her fingers together and looked at me.  

"Meaning, you just...need to let go, to.... To be free." I looked off to the grass. "...Have you ever heard of...freedom in space?" Rachel shook her head and scooted back on the bench. "No, but I've seen your drawings and they always say that I was gonna question you on it..." I nodded my head. "I made it up, it's this thing where you just break free from this world's grasp, and anything or anyone that's holding you back from being free. Where you're at peace with yourself, and where you can breathe easy." Rachel's smile faded and soon turned into a frown. "Wait-- Izz is this how you're feeling..? Like you're constricted-"

"It's where you don't give a fuck, Rachel! Where you don't feel trapped and labeled by this fucked up society!" I cut her off and looked at her, the wind was blowing through my hair, yet I felt...numb. "Izz..."

"No, Rachel, fucking no. It's this thing where you don't feel like you're subjected to one thing and one thing only in this life. You don't feel confined, you don't feel like someone's tearing you apart to "do the right thing" cause how can it be the right thing when you don't feel happy doing it? You don't feel like there this dark presence just hovering over you, no, scratch that, it's more like a weight, like a fucking elephant or something is sitting on your shoulders. But when you're in that one place, you actually feel alright, you actually feel like there's nothing to worry about, where you aren't judged or looked at some way." I stood up, and so did Rachel. I walked out to the grass and looked ahead, the warm summer breeze hitting my face and entangling itself in my hair, as it's been doing. 

"You can breathe easy, for fuck's sake..." I closed my eyes, Rachel stood quiet, I knew she was listening closely, she's never that quiet. "Like we are now... No parents, no teachers, no school, no grades, no negativity, no drama... Just the outside, with friends and happiness, we aren't confined right now. Are we...?" I looked towards Rachel, who was already looking at me. She nodded slowly. "No, of course, we aren't..." I looked ahead again, closed my eyes and let the breeze hit my face as blissfully as it did before. "You can smile a real smile, and laugh a real laugh..." I felt a knot form in my throat, and my eyes began to water.

"There's a real sense of h-happiness here..." I stuttered, alerting Rachel that I was about to cry. "Izz..." I shook my head. "There's relief..." the tears started to make their way down my cheeks. "I just need time for myself..." Rachel nodded and placed her hand on my shoulder, her touch giving me a sense of closure. "I know you do..." I sighed and wiped my eyes. "But fuck it... it's life and I'm subjected to it. I gotta deal with it." I sat on the grass and looked at the bitten up apple in my right hand. I bit into it again as Rachel sat beside me. It was quiet for a minute, soon the silence was broken by my voice.

"I don't wanna go home... not any time soon." I said with my mouth full of apple. Rachel nodded and patted my back softly. "I know you don't, bro... I finally get what you mean, and sadly I've heard the irony in it." She nodded again, this time slower. Again, it fell quiet, nothing was making a sound besides our group of friends in the far corner of the field and the July breeze.

Again, the silence was broken. "Let's savior this moment then. Time flies, let's enjoy it while we can, yeah?" she smiled as she laid back on the grass. "Like you said, we're free right now right? So let's embrace that. Right now, there are no standards, there are no grades, there are no parents, no teachers, no school, no siblings, just us and the freedom in space." I looked at her and smiled widely, feeling a sense of relief as the words I needed and wanted to hear just floated out her mouth like a boat on calming water.

I laid back on the grass and closed my eyes. "Yeah..." I mumbled. "Freedom in space..."