lack

eye contact and whiskey

2018

Do you remember the very first drink you ever bought for me? I do. I was so startled by you asking me if you could buy me a drink that I said I liked whiskey. Of course I didn't actually like it. but I did like you.

I cannot stop myself from visiting old memories of a better place and a better us. 

Memories such as when the light bounced off the rain on your face, and danced in the reflection in the gaps between the cobblestone that chilly midnight in Amsterdam. And we couldn't tell dreaming and doing apart. And oh, the way you laughed in the crappy airbnb when the door handle fell off. Or the way you looked at me at my cousins wedding as if I was the only one in the world there with you. As if that was going to be us in a couple of years, up there giving each other our hearts for life. And every word you ever told me. Every story you ever told me about your family or your friends.

I spent the most of our time together with a sore face, sore from smiling so much. I met you a month after the arrest, I guess you could say you were a big part of my recovery. It is not easy for anyone to get used to someone just not being there anymore, especially a close family member. But I felt less lonely whenever you looked into my eyes. Which was also weird, I never used to be an eye contact kind of girl, it used to made me very uncomfortable. Then you came along. And suddenly I was a fan of eye contact and whiskey.

I find the human brain very interesting. The way it works is absolutely remarkable, it is capable of storing memories and feelings in the same category. I might not remember what I had for dinner yesterday, but I will never forget the feeling I got when you told me about the thing. I felt so heavy, yet so light. As if all my other organs, and the me I was the day before were about to fall out of my skin. Leaving me to be a shell of a human that once was. Isn't it amazing that an organ that is made up of 60% fat is capable of making sure I will never forget anything I have ever learnt about you? 

Anyway, what I guess I am really trying to say is; Thank you for the four years we got to spend together, all the memories. Thank you for putting my mind at ease when it came to my fathers arrest. Thank you for the laughs and the smiles. That being said, I hope she was damn worth it.