loving you

hiding feelings

Stef's POV

I was never the type to want to fall in love and get married and have kids and the whole 9 yards.  I was more of the type that would stay up till 2 or 3 am watching movies drinking soda and browsing the internet. Then I got into high school and was more interested in going to party's and getting high and drinking than I was staying in and staying up all night to study for exams
Sometimes I think I acted that way in high school to get back at my father Frank ....god love Frank!.  The way I see it is I was getting back at him for all the pain he had caused me not only in high school but when I was a kid as well.

See when I was 16 I knew I was a lesbian but my father and mother we're not having it. More my father then my mom. Dad sent me to a youth minister who made me sit in a room with him just so he could tell me a million different reasons why it's a sin to be gay. And ever since that day I did my best to try to be strait but it just..it's not who I am.

The only reason that even happened was because my dad walked in on my best friend at the time and I cuddling on my bed.  Her name was Tess and we have not spoken since that day when my dad threw her out of the house.

Luckily my mom came around and is supportive of me now,  although it took her a while  She finally accepts me for who I am. She still tries to talk some sense into my father but it has proven to not worked yet, and to be honest I don't think that it ever will because he is one stubborn man.

After graduating high school I went to San Diego State University to work on getting  my law degree thinking maybe that would help my dad be proud of me in some way, but it did not.

And that is when I met her... Lena Adams

Lena is the most beautiful women that I have ever met. She is smart, funny and she has the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen. Just seeing her makes my whole day better and when she walks into a room it's like my breath just gets taken away and I  can't breath needless to say I love her. I love her so much and their lies the problem . I can't tell her because I have a fear, a fear that she will laugh at me or turn me down because I'm not good enough. Does she know I am lesbian?. Yes she does, she actually knew before I told her.  The same day she asked me if I was she came out to me. I mean I had my suspicions but I never came out and asked her.

So that leaves me here sitting on my balcony at 3 am the  night before my mid term exam.  Just sitting watching the San Diego traffic and thinking about Lena and my dad and everything else that there is to think about .

Sighing to myself I took one last puff of my cigarette before putting it out  and taking a sip of my soda

*You know that's gonna kill you right?*

Smiling. softly without even looking I knew it was Lena

*Yeah I do but it kind of became a habbit*  I replied still looking out to the crazy San Diego traffic before Looking at her as she sat down I smiled softly as she looked at me

*It's not a habbit Stef, it's you're stress reliever*  she looked at me *that turned into a habbit because you did it so much*

Slightly nudging her with my shoulder she laughed

*Yeah I guess you're right* 

She looked at me like she was gonna laugh but didn't

*Stef you smoke when you're stressed and you were stressed so much this last term that this  became a habbit*

I looked at her as she had a smug smile plastered across her face

*Okay okay okay your exactly right* I smiled at her as she was still looking at me. *By the way what the hell are you doing here at 3 am*

Laughing at me she just looked out to the traffic * I came over because I knew you would be awake and I couldn't sleep*

*Well you know what they say right*

*What is it they say Stef?*

She looked at me as she pulled her knees to her chest *they say when you can't sleep it's because someone is thinking about you* I said as I was looking at her.

she just shook her head some  and looked back out to the traffic

And that is exactly what was happening I was thinking about her. Thinking about her non stop! Her beautiful curly hair. Her mocha color skin and her laugh and smile.  How she has the biggest heart of anybody I know.

I wanted to see every part of this women I want to feel her inside me I want to be inside her making her feel good in ways that no one else would  I want  to kiss every inch of her body  and find every sensitive part on her body. I want to curl up in my bed with her are naked bodies touching ..

Sighing to myself  and shaking my head I got up and walked back into my kitchen grabbing me a bottle of water.  And no more then a few seconds later I hear Lena come in. 

*Stef you ok*

*Yeah fine why you ask?* I said as I leaned against the counter taking a sip of my water.

*You just the last few days you seem more stressed then usual and I am ,I am worried Stef*

*Lena I am fine I promise I am.* Looking straight into her eyes she was looking back at me and in that moment all I wanted to do was walk up to her and kiss her

*You wanna hang out tomorrow night? *

I was still looking at her nervous as all hell and trying to hide it.

Stef?*

Hmmm?*

*I would love to but I can't*

*Oh um ok that's cool I understand*

*Stef I have a date*

My head snapped back looking at her and I felt like my heart stopped and dropped into my stomach. I had no idea what to think or say to her all I could do is nod my head