Falling away

The stairs

Part 4

The stairs spiralled upwards. First in huge circles then getting tighter and steeper finally passed under the waterfall.

I only ever climbed 77 steps at a time.

The stairs are made of wood this time, rough wood. Except the ones I stop on, they are made of polished silver.

What make me stop are a rose and a note. The note always says ‘Stop and look. Then rest’.

I see myself for the monster I am.

I see those eyes, inviting me on. I could not hold their gaze the first time they appeared.  All I saw was the profound hurt in them.

Betrayed. That’s what I did, betrayed Him.

Ah those eyes! Those eyes which see all! They make me want to hide!

But I can’t.

I defy myself and look. ‘Hold the gaze’

The step I stopped at floats in a void. I feel nothing from below or above/ Strange.

One very powerful thought enters my mind. ‘Jump’

I do.

Something stops me though and I catch the edge of the step. It urges me to climb back up and take a step forward, where there is no step.

I hang there. I scream in agony. Every inch of me is being pulled down.

I can hear the rattle of chains and others telling me to let go, that it will be fun if I do. I should think of myself.

‘Stop and look’

I see it, the huge gaping hole in my chest and it oozes, oozes blood that is thick and black.

If I keep hanging on I’ll die but if I let go I die. But how do I know there is another step after this one? I can’t see it. And how do I know once I reach the top I won’t be turned away or let myself fall away again? How can I be sure that this is what I want, to die?

I look again, those eyes! In them are the promise of a new day, that this time will it the time.

I remember my lily.

I pull myself up, the thunderous roar of the waterfall around me. It towers ahead of me.  I see now that it isn’t water but in fact blood. That doesn’t matter I know what’s on the other side.

One step.

“I refuse to die”.