headlights // phan au

four

you're a natural blue ; mile one

there are something things that never change, a constant neutral in a sea of every changing hues and tones.

in some cases, it was the way you got ready, the way you drove, the songs you listened to. even if they're not necessarily consumed on a constant basis, when the action is in motion, it is the same motion every time.

thirteen dollars and twenty eight cents.

in this case, as absurd as it sounds, it was the two food orders. the coin clinked against each other between phil's outreached fingers, the florescent lights a large contrast to the starry night sky.

"is this the new fall out boy album? haven't listened in a while." phil speaks up as they turn away, the volume increasing on the stereo quickly. "it's different."

"i like it. the closing track, bishop's knife track, is really good. hoping it doesn't become another twin skeletons and never get played live." dan doesn't have a filter when it comes to music, he never has. he can talk for hours about the little details or lyric meanings, obsessing over the references to mythology or old films or literature. "some people say it's really different, a bad kind. but none of their albums really do sound the same, so."

"is your favorite one still folie à deux?"

"probably. it's the vinyl i play most often, at least. what about yours? got a guilty pleasure for one?" that's the type of conversations they use to have, double implications and small complications.

"save rock and roll. one of the best comebacks i've ever seen.." phil's eyes are avoiding the neon signs lining the street, but often rolling over the dark sidewalks. he pauses, a small laugh caught in his throat. "you're haven't changed much."

"you have."

"not really. inside, i'm still the same person mainly. just lots of misconceptions and guilty by association assumptions." there's an edge to his voice, a two war sword that is constantly spinning. actions are risky, a fifty fifty chance of a good or bad response, a shot in the dark so to speak.

and tonight, dan's using all of his bullets.

"you ever regret some thing you've done the past few years?"

"started playing twenty one questions have we? but yeah, a few times. you can't live your life in regret though. better to regret than to never experience it most of the time anyways."

there's a few specific instances that are tied loosely that that sentence, a small connection than can be made. they're little slivers led tin a big picture, the shading that adds depth and character to a painting. dan's brain experiences the first few shades, but the rest he heard from others, small truths behind school booths, or scratched sharpie on bathroom stalls. it was always phil lester did the and phil lester did that, an entertainment show for the entire town.

and dan was finally turning off the channel since graduation, donating the television to the next generation for the next kid on the verge of crashing and burning.

until tonight.

"you gonna snap out of it long enough for me to ask my question, howell?"

"yeah, sure, i guess." dan talks quickly, shaking his head as it jerks up. the food is warm in his hands, phil's eyes fixated on him as he takes a sip, face lit by lights in the best buy parking lot.

"what's the most recent song you've learned to play on the piano?" the question is more innocent than dan expected, a soft insight to a small part of dan's life. it's little bits of old phil slipping through the cracks in his lips, a small smile tucked somewhere in the back of his head. at any other point, dan would have considered it a small tease, the hopeful reward being a knee jerk reaction from him. this wasn't.

"i had to learn a few coldplay songs from a rush of blood to the head for the last program we did before graduation- so one of those." dan's voice wavers for a second, pausing before asking a question quietly allowed.

"should i tell my parents? god- they're gonna kill me finding out that i'm with you. i don't even know why i said yes there was just a part of me that wanted to and there's something about you that still appeals to me and i don't know. it's just- you're not the phil everyone makes you lot to be and i don't know if that's me still grasping on to old-"

phil's ribs press against the center console as he leans over, grabbing dan's forearm as he cuts him off with the action. cold skin against warm, fire and ice.

"you don't owe them an explanation. you don't owe anyone an explanation. remember that- give an explanation or apology only because of your own free will. anything that is destined will come in due time."

phil pauses again.

"let's get back to twenty one questions before someone says something they regret. that's okay, dan?"

"yeah- yeah, it is. my turn..."