headlights // phan au

five

i'm inclined to waste my time for miles and miles ; mile 2-5

———

"let's get back to twenty one questions before someone says something they regret. that's okay, dan?"

"yeah- yeah, it is. my turn..."

———

"let's here the question in that case. prepare me for the worst." phil laughs, leaning back and interlocking his fingers behind his head. his eyes dance across the empty parking lot, seeing the dozens of old food wrapped scattered across, most likely from other kids in town who don't listen to curfew, getting drunk behind abandoned buildings and addicted to butterfly kisses on vodka lips.

"is that a challenge?" dan has a smile small on his face, a glint in his eyes making phil peek up a bit more, pressing the cold cup against his arm. he watches as his skin turns a soft pink, glowing under the yellow light.

"most definitely. you're going down. your turn, loser." phil's eyes wander to his phone, which sits on the console against dan's elbow, the screen illuminated with an incoming call. before dan could read the name, phil grabbed the phone quickly, denying the call before turning the phone off completely, throwing it under his seat.

"what was initiation for your little friend group?" dan looks up, dumping his trash into the paper bag tucked between his legs, taking a sip of his soda, which burns his dry throat.

"asking the questions from high school- i see you. but yeah, we had one."

"which was?"

"eh- let the guys get you drunk and do some stupid tasks and the girls can do whatever they want to you. lasts for a week. the last night you're sent out with the rest to the cliff jump on the colder part of the bay and you have to admit a lot of things about you otherwise you're left their with no clothes and keys."

"why the admitting?"

"sometimes people need blackmail, just in case. if you lie, talia did, it doesn't end well. trust me."

"did you ever?"

"my question, dan." phil answers sharply, the sword flipping back over in his palms as the table is turned reluctantly. dan nods, keeping his mouth shut. there's a yes hidden behind those words, but dan isn't going to pry for it- not yet at least. especially seeing what happened to talia, a taboo subject in their town, a foggy tale of a tragedy that never is entirely known- except for maybe phil and a few others who had the targets on their back following the act. "your friends- ever been involved with any of them? even if it was just because you guys are future alcoholics- everyone knows, dan. don't act so surprised. who's the girl who's always hanging all over you? elisabeth?"

"shared a drunk kiss or two with a few of them but normal drunk stuff- mainly to keep creeps away. elisabeth, well, i only cover her for a different relationship with her parents. she's dating sadie- that one girl from the art department."

"sadie's nice. i sat next to her in art all of junior year. she comes over sometimes- her older brother is good friends with my brother." his voice drops at the end of the sentence, jaw tightening for a moment before he hits the steering wheel with his palm and takes a deep breath. "we need to get back on the road."

"why'd you choose me for this? you could have definitely gotten one of your friends." dan steps over the line cautiously, feeling the rush for adrenaline trickling down his spine as he coughs a few times.

"why not?" he dances around the question carefully, pulling more at the questionable nature of their past and how it splintered, not the aftermath. he's still a young boy in there somewhere, pulling at dan's hair on the bank of the lake, sweat becoming new skin in the golden hour.

dan's still that kid that dove too fast into things, tapping his feet in the waiting room waiting for the next chapter of his life. he's approach death with a sprint, nothing made him weary or pause, his trust was quick and love quicker.

"we haven't talked in two year, phil. and if i remember correctly, our last interaction wasn't exactly civil. or am i wrong?" disinfectant on open wounds it stung, ripping apart some careful stitches they strayed away from focusing attention on, phil gripping the steering wheel tighter, eyes following the passing headlights on the interstate entrance.

"just because you haven't talked to me about it doesn't mean that no one has."

"no one gave a shit, phil! that was the fucking issue. you got away with it. the only person that visited me in that damn hospital was my brother, not even my parents. for some reason, i really hoped you would- that maybe somewhere, you felt bad for what happened."

phil reaches other in the following silence, taking the cup from dan's hands as he starts to shake, the ice overpowering the stereo. he sets it down quietly in the cup holder, hand faltering for a moment between them before going back to the steering wheel, eyes focusing back on the road, as if they stray away, he'll shatter.

"my other friends thought i was stupid for this, absolutely ridiculous for wanting to get out, compared me to you. we're not crazy for wanting to leave this damn town, and you got the opportunity and took it. i didn't get the opportunity, and i wanted just a taste. after college starts- i don't think i'll have another chance, dan. is that okay?"

okay. define okay. is okay in the middle, a half ass grey? is it just a less offensive term for mediocre or unacceptable? or, is it a term for it being perfectly fine and amazing and acceptable, but all other words are stuck in an endless void of hesitation in your throat?

but, in whichever case, dan knew his answer on the question of okay, it fluttered to his head, a dull thud hitting somewhere else in his body, perhaps his head, perhaps his gut. he wasn't sure.

so, when dan answered, phil just nodded in response, sitting up a bit more as he watched the passing trees in his headlights.

and?

it was okay in this moment.