The Dark Side of His Room ~ #Jalex (boxboy)

12. So Suck It Up

*** ALEX'S POV ***

That morning, I woke up feeling strange. Alone. Sort of, empty? As if my bed that morning should have contained one more person.

I remembered the night before, when I had an anxiety attack. Everything got too much for me that day. Jack not responding to my text shouldn't have bothered me that much. But it did. After all, we did kiss and that was the first time I had text him after that. I was scared, so scared of losing the only person I knew in Baltimore. Somehow the raven haired boy seemed to make me calm once again. I felt safe.

Remember a while back I said I doubted cuddling someone could feel better than cuddling my own mother? Turns out I was wrong. Very wrong. Jacks arms made me feel so safe and loved, the way his fingers intertwined with my hair and the soft rising and falling of his chest was the best feeling in the world. I tried to forget the time we kissed, tried to go back to being the way we were before. But I was so drawn to the younger boy, and the way he cared about me so much when I was panicking that I couldn't get him out of my mind. I was developing a crush, one I couldn't help. I couldn't keep myself away from the boy, and it terrified me. Commitment terrified me. Feelings terrified me.

Back in the UK I was with a girl, who constantly cheated on me, but told me she loved me. She made me feel loved one minute, the next she'd go behind my back. She made me stay with her by threatening to out me if I left her. My school was very homophobic, and she had proof of me coming out to her, and I couldn't deal with more bullying. Dating her got a lot of bullying off my back too. She was my best friend once, believe it or not. She made me do things I didn't want, she was toxic, but I'll spare the details. After that, I don't think I can be in another relationship. What if Jack is the same? I need to suck it up, and stop thinking about him like this.

We hung out every day for the rest of that week. That was only 3 days, but it didn't help distancing myself. We played guitar, and I actually played for him and sang for him. The way his eyes sparkled when he watched me play was amazing. Somehow when I was around this boy, my anxiety seemed to go way. His bubbly personality, his soothing encouraging, his giggles, everything about him relaxed me and made me feel safe.

There was a few times where my whole body would flush with heat and my stomach would fill with butterflies, when we got too close or when he pulled me by the wrist. We watched Home Alone again on Saturday, and I couldn't help but cuddle up to him. Watching movies was never good without cuddling. We shared my special blanket and I pulled my knees to my chest and cuddled up to him, his arm round my shoulders. He developed a habit of playing with my hair too, and I can't even lie, I loved it. It made my heart flutter and the way he fanned his eyelashes when he looked at me made my stomach flip.

My fondest memory from the past few days was when we went outside because the weather was really nice. We laid in the now overgrown grass in his garden and watched the sky, while eating ice lollies. At one point I rolled over on my side and just watched him, until he realised and looked at me. Our eyes locked, and we just stared at each other for a while. It wasn't awkward, just relaxing. He was so mesmerising, the way he always spiked his hair up is a silly style, the way his lip curled up on one side when he got an idea, I was really falling for him. Half of me wanted to stop hanging round with him, to stop being so close with him, but the other half of me couldn't stay away. He was like an addiction; you want to stop but you just can't bring yourself to do that.

On Sunday it was a day till school, so we spent the whole day together, he only went home after 10pm. We also happened to dye his hair that day.

"Alex!" squealed Jack, calling me into the bathroom. "Your mom has hair bleach!" he exclaimed as soon as he saw me in the doorframe.

"I know Jack. And?" I asked unamused.

"Bleach my hair!" he grinned holding up the box.

"You wanna go blonde?" I laughed, very unsure about the idea.

"No just like, I don't know, bleach a streak of my hair! Aaaaalex! Oh come on, we have school tomorrow I wanna show a change! I'm sure your mom won't mind!!" I rolled my eyes at him. I knew I'd lose this one. Who am I kidding, I always lost.

"You and your stupid spontaneous ideas," I chuckled grabbing the box from him. He seemed to always have random ideas or cravings, and he always got his way with me. I was weak for him. He knew exactly how to make me let him do something, the way he pouted and giggled and gave me those huge poppy dog eyes of his.

"Jack I have never dyed hair, if I fuck this up don't even blame me," I said, stroking bleach into a part of his hair with gloves over my hands, the painful smell itching at my nose.

"Oh shut up Lex, I'll love it," He said, playing with the hem of his shirt. I blushed at the nickname he gave me, he seemed to use it quite often now. I'd never had a nickname - Alex was sort of my nickname already.

I didn't want to go to school. I didn't know if I'd make friends, get bullied, understand the work. If it wasn't for Jack spending the day with me I would have spent that night panicking. But he was there. He made sure to text me in the morning and make me feel safe and okay, and tell me it would be fine. He assured me that if I needed anything I could text him and he would more than likely reply. He seemed to really care for me, and I was more than grateful to have him as my best friend.

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This chapter sucks (huh, I seem to say that a lot) but I will probably update one more time tonight :) (hopefully)

- Cam xo