Secret Love

When is Forever ?

It all started on a rainy day in July. July 3rd, 2011 to be exact. Jackson could still remember that day like it was only yesterday. It was one of his most cherished memories. Mark had captured his heart somewhere between the ice cream and the umbrella they ended up sharing. His bright wolfish grin never far from his mind from that day on.

From there, it had only picked up momentum. Calls for shampoo graduating to shared showers. Shared room gradually turned to shared bed instead. Late night runs for snack becoming dates. Nasty fights that were eventually worked out only giving them more reasons to hold on to one another. Like the young lovers they became, they grasped life and love with all their might and thought they could prevail over anything that was thrown at them. They were perfect for each other. Where he was loud and boisterous, Mark was quiet and restrained. Mark kept him grounded. Mark was the introvert to his extrovert. The yin to his yang.

Debuting with Mark had only made the accomplishment much sweeter. The time spent together, on stage and off, treasured. Hand-holding and hugs became the highlights of both themselves and the fans, but nothing official was ever released. Homosexuality was not accepted in South Korea. So they stayed content for a time with the stolen kisses off stage. They stayed content exchanging trinkets with one another. They stay content with loving each other in secret. They hid their relationship even from their fellow group members.

Then he got a call. China wanted him, so he made a promise to Mark. "I'm gonna make it big, baby. I'm gonna make it so that I get an offer in America. I'm gonna bring you back home. I'm gonna make it so everyone accepts us everywhere we go. I'm gonna make it so I can show everyone in the world who I love the most."

Everything had been great for a while...Until his solo activities in China began to pull him away from South Korea- and Mark- more and more. The less he saw of Mark, the harder it got to maintain their relationship. The less he spent time with Mark, the more the elder nagged him.

"Wang Jia Er, you need to rest..."

"Jackson, you skipped your meds again. Do you want to pass out on stage this time?..."

"I swear you're staring at death in the face too blatantly, Gaga..."

"Jacks, I'm worried about you..."

"You need to slow down, babe!..."

All in different languages, but they had all sounded the same to him.

Then he got the news he had been working so hard to hear. His fourth solo single had made big money in the US. A label in Atlanta wanted to sign him, and they were willing to agree on any of his terms. He was beyond ecstatic... until he realized that this would what makes it or breaks it with Mark.

He flew back to South Korea from China that same day, excitement pumping through him. Mark had greeted him in his apartment, but Jackson had seen the sadness in his eyes. In an attempt to take it away, he blurted out the news. "Mark, baby. A label in the US wants to sign me! This is it, baby! This is the big break we've been waiting for! I did it! We did it!"

Mark had cheered. They had opened a bottle that night and he had not questioned the look. They had made love that night and he still didn't question the almost desperate way Mark had wanted to unravel him. He didn't question the sad look Mark had on his face as he was falling asleep. He hadn't questioned it because he had chucked it up to the accumulated stress the elder was under and his impending departure.

He didn't question it until the next time he came back to South Korea for what became their last comeback as a full group. He questioned it when Mark had stopped at the doorway of his apartment. He questioned it when Mark had looked at him with tears in his eyes.