Maybe someday we'll learn. Possibly someday we'll see that love isn't real. It's just a fantasy to drive people to control or be controlled. In the end, it hurts. It sends mind-numbing pain through every inch of our bodies, it leaves searing burns like a knife shredding through flesh. And then eventually it's numb, and we just so happen to be stupid enough to try again. It's all just for a chance to not be alone, to not die and be forgotten.
The bus softly shakes with the variations in the road, when I lay my head on the mattress I can hear the wheels turning against the gravel. It was quiet, with the exception of Remington occasionally moving in his sleep. We all needed to rest, especially Sebastian, but he chose to drive for the night. Usually, I would be fast asleep by now, but on nights like this, it felt impossible. The usually peaceful silence was maddeningly loud.
The only person that got a human amount of sleep was Emerson, claiming that he "thinks a lot so therefore needs more sleep." I call bullshit. I wish I could sleep, then the antagonizing thoughts plaguing my mind wouldn't be so loud. Thoughts about someone they shouldn't be about. What a life it was to live with the burden of one-sided love.
He'll never know though, nobody does. In the year that I've known him, he's never noticed anything, and I plan on it staying that way. It's crazy just to think that the only people you fall for are the people that shouldn't be on your mind in the late hours of the night and the earliest hours of the dawn. That's where I was now, 4:37 blaring from the screen on the alarm clock that was rarely ever used. Time is brutal, stronger than any other force.
Eventually, after another hour of pondering all of my life problems, I actually felt like I could sleep. I woke up at around eleven, which was about the time when everyone else wakes up for another day of recording our vlogs and later this evening doing a concert. When I got out of my bunk, the first thing I heard was Remington screaming about yet another potato Emerson killed. It was humorous to see a grown man nearly start crying over a root vegetable. "Good morning Dan," Sebastian said, still laughing while Emerson stabbed the potato.
"Good morning," I replied, heading to the kitchenette to make coffee. Hey, at least no one had gotten into a screaming match yet, strong emphasis on the 'yet'. There's always someone fighting about something, but today had been peaceful so far. It almost always ends with Remington getting extremely upset, which is nothing new but it still made me sad that there was almost nothing I could do to help. He always pushed everyone away because he didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't understand that I wanted to love him and make him happy, instead, he was scared that I would hurt him.
It's the thought that scares me. Someday, he might shut everyone out because it's all just too much. There are so many thoughts that scare me, but I can't stand myself when I think about that. He's just so sad all the time, he tries to hide it but we can all see how much it's tearing him apart. After this tour, I'm going to try to convince him to take a break, just for a month or two. Remington needs time to just be left alone, not having everyone screaming at him, out of anger or excitement. He just needs time.
YOU ARE READING
Redeemer
Fanfiction"I want to see what your dreams look like. I want to know what you're thinking about, all of the things you want to say, your dreams and aspirations, all of the good, all of the bad. I want to know you, but you never let me" D.C. + R.L.
