I don't know why I'm writing this down. I don't know why I do anything anymore.
My love life can be summed up in one word;
Non-existent.
At least I think that's one word.
My first crush was a kid in kindergarten, Garrett Lee.
But he was "popular" and he had a girlfriend at the time. (Sad that kids have relationships when they're little when they don't even know what love is really all about.) the girl started to notice that I hung out with him A LOT. Not only because I had feelings for him that I didn't quite understand yet. But also because he was my best friend. We would walk home together almost everyday. Well he would ride his bike and I would walk, still can't ride a bike to this day. I'm getting distracted. So she noticed that I was close to him and one day on the play ground she comes up to me and hits me and tells me to stay away from him. I don't listen, it gets me in trouble often. I was NOT going to lose my best friend. So I kept it to myself about what she did. I didn't want to start anything (I may not listen but I have common sense xD) with her or him. I hid my feelings for him, well for forever haha, because he moved after 1st grade and I never saw him again. So in elementary was when my heart was broken.crushed. So there it is. My first crush was Garrett Lee.
Moving on.
In middle school I was like "nah, relationships aren't for me." 6th grade I was single. I was a tomb boy down to the core. I didn't give a shit about makeup or doing my hair. It was dares that would get me dressed up and put make up on.
7th grade, pretty much the same. My opinion on relationships started to shift though.
8th grade. Good god, 8th grade. I was miserable, I wanted someone to like me. Like me for who I am. And it actually happened. Someone did start to like me, but now that I think about it, he was pretty much desperate. I don't feel comfortable saying his name, so I shall call him Voldy. Ya know, "he who shall not be named." ANYWAY Voldy had asked for my number and I was polite enough to give him it. I shoulda just said hell no and to go fuck himself. We started talking a few days before school ended. I honestly thought he just wanted a friend to talk to, but when I started to mention my likes and interests, he said that he might actually love me. Mainly because I played video games. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. I was SO awkward. Because no ones liked me before, I mean heeelllloooo the one guy I liked was back in kindergarten and I gave up on love then.
Well, it progressed and I will mention now that Voldy was not my ideal person I wanted to try to have feelings for. He was, and I quote; "a punk who doesn't take bullshit from anyone." Total opposite of me. Not only was he a smack talker, he was also perverted, so perverted I couldn't even stand it in P.E. And he would make me uncomfortable . As summer came along he would message me all the time, and quite frequently say I love you. I couldn't handle that, still can't handle that from anyone to this day. I tried to put up a wall and block him out, but then I learned more about Voldy and how basically to sum it up, his life was shitty. So lil dumbass me did everything I did to make HIM happy. I never stopped and thought of myself and what I wanted.
I spent three months talking to him, I actually started to like him because he was nice and thoughtful towards me. But, he would say things to me, and I honestly don't even want to go on that subject. But I played along, just to make him happy and me just feeling shitty afterwards.
Voldy had to move though. And I was actually pretty glad. But HE wanted me to wait for him to move back so that we could have an actual relationship, be boyfriend and girlfriend. After everything building up inside of me, I finally said to hell with it and put my foot down. I was not wasting anymore of my life on him. Much less YEARS of waiting. I was done with the sweet talk and I actually started being a bitch to him. Guess people change.
Finally our conversations faded and I finally got some peace. At least for a little while.
9th grade.
Then came Hot or Not.
My friend downloaded that damned thing and got me into it, I guess I was just looking to flirt? Who the hell knows anymore. They're are two people that stand out from the guys that I have talked to on there. One kept trying to force a relationship onto me, and I almost fell into the little fuckers tricks. He lied to me about how old he was and was saying how he was going to cut himself because I didn't want to be with him and he was all depressed. I stopped talking to him after I made sure he wasn't going to harm himself (can we order an award for nicest person? Anyone? No? Ok.). And the other one. We started talking, I was totally fine with being friends. He even specifically told me "we're just friends anyway". But theeennn he just wanted to flirt around, make kissy faces, mess with my emotions. I actually started to fall for him. Hard. But then I started battling my emotions because I didn't want to do long distance or be hurt again like every time I talk to someone. So I blew up on him, that way he just thought of me as a bitch and left me alone. He came back. Started messing around with my emotions again and I threw the fact that "were just friends, nothing more" in his face, he was a jerk anyway, going on about my weight and saying how the Ideal weight for my height and age is blahblah and ugh. Asshole. Deleted both of them from my life.
Now, I started to get my shit together and then
BAM.
This last week.
Voldy decides to message me. Telling me how he's coming here and how he's going to see me and how he just knows that I miss him.
Hold it, back it up. I said "oh you're going to see me? That's funny because I didn't make any plans to see you, sooo."
I made him cry. I couldn't even add him to skype. I can't. I just can't. Not after what he has said to me, leaving me feeling shitty. I will not have a face to face conversation with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want to even think about him. I honestly think that I start to have little panic attacks when I think about a confrontation. And I guess him popping back up has lead me to think about my "love life" and how it's gone "soo wonderfully".
All in all, I've never had a relationship. Never had a first kiss. I have never said yes to someone asking me out. I have been in situations that I did not want to be in. And if y'all think that I over react, y'all don't even know what has happened to me even before Voldy or hot or not or ANYTHING. Maybe y'all will later, but maybe y'all won't, I'm not sure yet. I wrote this to try and get my shit straight and to give people a glance into a part of my life. And thus, gives you some idea as to why I build walls and try not to feel.
Because my love life is shit.
