wattys longlist 2018 | MEET ELLA. She's drowning, literally. Ella has lung cancer, causing her lungs to fill with liquid that needs to be drained daily. Every breath she takes feeds her life, but also takes it.
MEET JAKE. Resident smoker and bad boy...
The words that run through my mind, over and over and over.
Too bad sorry doesn't fix things.
It doesn't bring her back.
I remember the moment, the moment when time froze.
When the only things that broke the silence were the cries around me.
The cries for her.
"Jake? Are you ready sweetie?" Mads asked coming through the door to where I was sitting on her bed. "Jake?" She asked again softly.
"Yeah. Ummm... Ju-just give me a minute I'll meet you downstairs in a minute kay?" I say finally looking up to meet her eyes that were stirring with sadness.
Pity at what I've become.
Broken.
"Okay, we're leaving soon so don't take too long." She said leaving.
I get up and move to the bathroom, Chucks at my feet, and look up at the reflection that stares back at me.
White tucked in shirt, hollowed out eyes covered by limp hair.
I tug on the hair hanging in front of my face.
The hair she loved, that she would run her fingers through.
The hair I now hate the hair that only serves as a reminder of what I lost, what I can no longer have.
I look down at the bench still scattered with things.
I reach forward seeing what I need and turn it on. Grabbing my hair and pulling it back, flush against my head.
"Here goes nothing," I breathe out lifted the razor to my head and shaved a line down the middle of my head, my once thick lively hair falling down my back and onto the floor. "One down, 8 to go..." I muttered as I brought the razor back up to my head.
When I finished I threw on my suit jacket and looked back into the mirror.
"You can do this..." I breathed grabbing the bench, before grabbing Chucks and finally heading downstairs to where Mads was waiting for me.
Hearing me grab my shoes from the cupboard, Mads started.
"Finally, Jake, we can't be la- Oh Jake... What did you do?" She breaths upon seeing me.
"Nothing."
"Jake that's not nothing, why?"
"Why not?" I mutter tying my laces and strapping Chucks leash on. "It's not that big of a deal. Now come on let's go." I say walking out the door and towards the car.
___
"And as we gather to remember and celebrate the life of Ella..." A voice drones on and I stand there head down, hands curled around Chuck who was residing in my arms.
People sniffled here and there. People who I've never seen.
People who weren't there, who didn't even spend time with her in her last months. People who knew she was dying, but couldn't give an enough of a shit to come see her.
I curl my fist into Chuck's fur just thinking about it.
What a joke this all is.
Why are they even here? They weren't there when she needed them.
They weren't there when she was dying.
Mads stands next to me, holding onto my arm. Ella's dad on my other side, while his silent tears run down his face, the one person he had, gone.
As it draws to an end and people start to leave, to chat to each other like it's your everyday get together I walk forward with Chucks and place the bouquet of flowers that Mads had got for me down. The soft blue petals moving gently in the breeze.
A shiver runs through my body as I stand there.
"Hey Ell's..." I whisper, "I hope your bloody well having a great party up here, cause this one's kind of lame..." I chuckle, "Who am I kidding, your probably up there dancing on tables again... I-I uuhhh... just wanted to say thanks ya know? Thanks for everything and I Ummm I love you so much. Don't forget me up there, kay?" A lone tear runs down my face and I hang my head, a rumble sounds from above, the clouds above darkening with rain.
The universe crying at the loss of another child.
The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled my head up from facing the ground and I turn to see Ell's dad coming to stand by me.
"Hey, son. How are you doing?" He asks as he comes to a stop beside me.
"As well as to be expected, you?"
"I feel like shit on a stick, but it could be worse... She got to say goodbye ya know?"
All I could do was nod.
"Now umm... I was meaning to ask you, I know your being let out of rehab now and I was wondering if you would be interested in coming to stay with me? That way Chucks can have his room back and neither of us will be in empty houses. If you don't want to that's okay, I'll understand."
"I would love to Sir... Ummm what do you mean Chuck's room?"
He chuckled, "She never told you hey? Ella, the crazy girl turned one of the spare bedrooms into a palace for Chucks, the spoiled thing." He said causing me to laugh.
"Of course, she would do that, I wouldn't expect anything less." I chuckled again, looking sideways when I saw him shuffling around in the inside pocket of his jacket before he pulled out an envelope and handed it towards me.
"She told me to give this to you, there's a box back at the house for you too when you decide you want to come move in. Come whenever you're ready. I like your hair... or no hair should I say." He said turning away with a small smile and beginning to head off, I turned the envelope over in my hand to see my name scrawled over it in her script.
"Sir? Is it all right if I come with you now?" I call before he gets too far.
"Sure son, let's go grab something to eat then head over to grab your things hey?"
"Thanks," I said jogging over to him, Chucks along beside me. Right before I hopped into the car I stopped and turned back.
"See you soon El's"
___
I actually hate this chapter cause I just couldn't seem to get it right.
But yeah.
I'll fix it when I come back and edit n stuff.
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