Raspberry Kisses

Chapter 7

Phil

I stayed in my room all morning. I had a headache, and I was a bit nauseous. I wasn't sure if it was because I hadn't eaten in hours or if I was still feeling sick about Dan. I finally got up, but Dan was gone. I searched the cabinets before I found some Kinder eggs and ate them on the couch. I remembered the time Dan had whacked his hand against one and he screamed like a little girl. I opened the toys and set them up on the table, but they weren't distracting enough. I ended up playing lots of Doctor Who reruns, but I wasn't really watching them. I was trying to think. I thought of everything I was avoiding about thinking about. I thought of the kiss. It was like it was perfect. I hugged him because...Because I wanted to. And then he kissed me, with his slightly chapped lips. It was time I admitted the fact to myself. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, every waking minute of the last day I thought about Dan. I reached a conclusion as I sat there, staring at Matt Smith laughing with Amy. I loved Dan. I. Loved. Dan. It had been a growing feeling ever since I met him. We laughed together, cried together, and were ourselves with each other. Yet I had denied the feeling for so long because I was scared. Every time Dan went on a date, I sat at home lonely. Now I saw that all I wanted was to be that person who Dan went out with. I wanted so desperately to tell him before I lost my courage and my chance, but he was not home. He was gone when I needed him most.

I waited all afternoon for Dan to come home, but he never did. I finally gave up and went to bed, clutching my stuffed lion. I felt so alone.

I woke up when I heard the door to the flat close. Dan. He was finally home. Where had he gone? You know, I didn't even care. He was home and that was all that mattered. I sat up in bed and then heard Dan walk to his room. I glanced at the clock. Midnight. The start of a new day. I slowly got up and opened my door. I crept out and shuffled through the hall before stopping at Dan's door. I braced myself and knocked lightly. I didn't wait for a response. I walked in to see Dan in his pajama pants lying on his bed. He wasn't even under the covers.

“Danosaur?” I asked quietly. “Can I...” I was about to ask if I could talk to him when I realized I didn't want to talk. I walked farther into the room and lay down next to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed Dan. “I think I love you, Dan,” I muttered.

Dan

The next day was hell. I woke up early, put on clothes, and walked outside the flat without giving it a second thought. I tried to hold back tears knowing it would be impossible to keep living like that. I couldn’t keep going away. But I also couldn’t stay if Phil wouldn’t talk with me. I didn’t want to live with the guilt everyday of ruining our friendship. And it wouldn’t exactly be easy to get over him if I was with him every second of the day.

I walked. I drank tea. I tried to eat a croissant, but my stomach was so upset that I threw it up. I did more walking. I made myself completely lost. I used the maps on my phone to get back to the flat.

Late in the night, I was home. I lied on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I stayed there for an hour. And then Phil came in. My heart was pounding. I lost my breath.

“Danosaur?” Phil said.

Please don’t hate me.

“Can I...?” He began. 

I’m not going to cry this time.

He walked toward me, and then he was in my bed with his arms around me. All of my thoughts unraveled. You don’t hate me. Phil kissed me. I was completely overjoyed.

“I think I love you, Dan,” he said. He looked at me, waiting for an answer. I stroked his cheek. 

“I don’t think I love you,” I said. Phil looked horrified. “I know it. I always knew it even if I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I love you.”

I kissed him, and I knew there wasn’t anything to say, nothing else we needed to talk about. He loved me. I was so indescribably happy that he loved me. I knew everything was going to be fine.

“I love you,” Phil said again. It was so wonderful to hear him say it.

“I love you too.”

For once I had amazing night’s sleep, with Phil in my arms. I felt more strongly than ever that this was where we belonged.