Drowning

Numb

That's all I feel right now.

Well that's a lie, I feel pain too.

Coursing its way through my body, taking over every cell in me.

It's been one of the most common feelings i've had lately, a new companion, my best friend, my only friend really.

No one told me that college was going to be this way, that what is supposed to be the best time of your life could actually make you fall harder than you ever have before. The funny thing is, its not even about my classes or work load. Its everything else around me.

It is now the end of my freshman year. The year that is supposed to set off the rest of my college experience for me. All I can say this year has given me is countless anxiety attacks, more pain than I know what to do with, and a loneliness that is almost welcome after going through the shit I have.

I've gotten to the point where if i miss a night of crying then its a weird feeling. Crying or staring at nothing in the pitch black of my room has become my new hobby.

Need tips on how to perfect it, then hit me up.

The only time I break through the shell of numbness and pain is when I am talking to him or just with him. But he's not always around. He has a life too and I don't want to drag it down with mine. He deserves better, but he says I am the best. So much love from him but I still can't change the way I am. I want to, for him, my family, even for me but I can't. No matter how hard I try I always end up falling deeper.

Arms outstretched, hoping for something to grasp on to...only there's nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Numb.