Drowning

Drifting Under

Dead. 

That's all I feel. That's how I look. That's all I want.

It's bad, I didn't even try to hide behind a smile today. I woke up and just didn't care about anything anymore. I got to school and the first thing that my friend Tiffany said to me was "wow you look like crap." Great thanks that's what I was going for. Yeah, not really. I just didn't have the energy to do anything to hide behind material things like usual. She told me I needed to get some sleep. What she doesn't understand is it's kind of hard to get sleep when you can't sleep. And I can't sleep because I constantly have these thoughts and demons running around in my mind, making as much commotion as possible. Demanding my attention but never giving me a break. The worst time is at night, when everything is quiet and settling down. There isn't much to do and after a long day, that never seemed like it would end, just when you think you can rest for just a second, that is when all of the commotion starts. Not an external commotion that you can stop, but the internal one that takes over your mind and doesn't stop until it completely wastes you of all of your sanity. The very little that you have that you were praying that you would be able to use to keep you from drifting under. My demons enjoy the misery and pain that they bring me. They get a hold of my ankles as I try to stay afloat and drag me under the water deeper and deeper until all I want is to breathe in the water and let it fill my airway. They get rowdy and drive me insane. Pushing down who I want to be and bringing out the thing that they want me to be. When I grab the razor, they cheer and whoop. Encouraging my blood shed. Only quieting down once the cuts are made and the damage is done. Allowing me to breathe once again, but it's strangled breathing because they got what they wanted and I didn't. They are dragging out my days and making me lose myself. I've started to become a walking corpse.  Even as I write this my fingers move across the keyboard without energy. No emotion, i'm just going with the motions and hoping, just..... hoping that one day I will see the surface and be able to truly breathe again.

But until then I'll continue drifting under.