Lion Heart

Chapter 6

After I had left the shop I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't just go to work for the money; I genuinely enjoyed running around the city, making deliveries, and hanging out at the shop with the Naheri's. It didn't feel like work. It was almost like a hobby. And now that I had no work today, I was lost on what the hell I was supposed to do. I strolled through the marketplace, trying my best to kill some time or at least come up with something to do. But it was a failure to put it lightly. The plaza was in ruins. The fountain's ceramic leaves were chipped from the exchanging of bullets the night before. Shrapnel was scattered everywhere, clinking slightly as I tentatively meandered my way through the rubble. The cobblestone that could be seen through the blanket of ash covering it was still stained with splotches of blood. I knew the grave diggers' wagons had already made their way through head this morning, since the corpses of the fallen guards and rebels had been taken away. My guess was they were probably cremated all together. No one in Viridia seemed to bother with proper funerals these days. Rebel or guard, they died for a meaningless cause. The true victims were the citizens who were left to comb through the ashes, looking for anything to salvage. There were a few people out. Mostly the regular shopkeepers trying to tidy up the mess of civil unrest. They looked worn with their dirty aprons and sullen expressions. No children were out today. Any child would be held up inside their house for fear of another attack. Even Eli and his motley crew were probably scolded or scared into staying inside today. It was odd standing there watching them solemnly scouring the ground for bits and pieces. I felt like I should've helped. But what would I have done to help? I didn't know what they were looking for and it felt weird asking them when they were clearly either shaken or in grief. So I decided to leave.

I could feel a sort of weight lift off my shoulders once I had exited the outskirts of the city.  The sunlight was warm on my skin and chatter of birds didn't annoy me anymore. It kind of felt good to feel something other than regret.  As I walked along one of Viridia's radiating network of  roads, I cursed myself for not getting out more often.  Past the crumbling cottages at the edges of the city grew tall grasses swaying serenely in the wind.  The air was fresh and free from smells of smoke and horse dung. The landscape was much less stuffy to say the least with vast planes dotted by young trees not yet old enough to take up much space.  The only sign of man's mechanical hand was the occasional farmer's wife scrubbing her load of laundry in the streams that ran through the fields and Viridia's interior stone wall in the distance. 

I situated myself on the grassy bank facing a branch of flowing water. My back went slack and I unceremoniously lied down.  The sky was a clear blue and a gentle breeze slowly pushed puffy white clouds across the heavens. All I could hear was the quiet rustling of the grass, while my mind slowly emptied any pressing thoughts that had once occupied my head. I laid there for a while letting my mind drift and losing any sense of time, until something caught my eye. Through my peripheral vision I saw a familiar tuft of reddish brown hair stride past me. Immediately, I jolted up, straining my neck to catch another glimpse of the passerby. When I couldn't see them, I launched to my feet, running blindly through planes of tall grass that were obstructing my vision. I was certain that I had seen that tuft of hair before and my overwhelming curiosity paired with adrenaline pushed me forward after it.  When I stopped, I found myself at the side of another stream and immediately recognized the figure sitting beside the ribbon of water. Alphonse was serenely staring at the flowing water with a trancelike diligence. To say it was a unnerving to witness him in such a state is an understatement. The Alphonse I knew was always lively and sharp. Even in his most focused state he was alert, snapping at me to be quiet if I disturbed him during his "precious" writing sessions. But today he did not seem to be aware of my presence even as I sat down beside him. I couldn't find a word to say to him. Our tranquil setting quickly heightened the tension and any sudden noise like a lone songbird or the whistling of wind only seemed to highlight the silence between us. I can definitely add this moment to my series of events where I have been helpless. I'm awful at emotions and processing stressful things. Whenever anything like this happens I tend to freeze up and I can't make any sense out of it. I never know what to say and when I do say something it's always the wrong thing and it just makes the situation worse. When bad things happen I'm just numb. It's always numbness. Numbness is so unhelpful. Why can't I at least feel any-

"Nadia, what happened to you?"

Alphonse's now hoarse voice interrupted my panic. It was even more obvious he had been crying for a long time. My tongue went still.

Alphonse sighed.
"Can you at least say something?"

Silenced enveloped is again. And somehow I managed to clear my throat.

"H-hello?" GODAMMIT WHAT WAS THAT?

Alphonse gave me the most disapproving look I have ever seen. His mouth was slightly ajar at the sheer absurdity of my response and I could see his face heating up with subsequent anger.

"WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?! YOU GO OUT PAST CURFEW WITH CORONAS AND ALINES FLOODING THE PLACE, SOMEHOW MAKE IT BACK SAFE, DESPITE THE FACT YOU WERE JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR ZONE, TELL NO ONE YOU ARE OK AND WALTZ IN THE NEXT DAY WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION, ANY APOLOGY OR GUILT FOR WHAT YOU PUT ME AND DAD THROUGH. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS. YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU AND FRANKLY YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT YOURSELF. I CARE ABOUT YOU. DAD CARES ABOUT YOU. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?! ARE YOU THAT STUPID TO NOT SEE THAT?!"

Tears were streaming down his eyes now. And his rust colored hair was messy from frustrated tugs at the strands.  I had made a huge mistake.

Without hesitation, I wrapped arms around his broad torso, letting his tears soak my shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so so so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm such a goddamn idiot. And I'm so so sorry."  I said softly.

" You asshole, don't you think I know that? You're as emotionally available as a rock." Alphonse laughed dryly resting his chin on my right shoulder.

"I can't say it enough. I'm so stupid and I'm so sorry."

Alphonse lifted his head from its resting place on my shoulder and I felt his arms embrace me as I continued to repeat my apologies, each one filled with more and more guilt.

"Just tell me everything from now on. Promise?"

"I promise."