Maybe Just Happy - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

fourty four: spinning faster

Kurt's point of view

  I was in love. So deeply in love that it twisted my gut into knots, making me sick. I had found the ring in a store during the time that Violet and I were separated, as if I were somehow telling myself that we would be together again.
I saw the ring and immediately thought of her. Swirling with color in the sunlight, little light beams reflecting on the walls around it nearby. I kept it close to me since, waiting on the right moment to ask her to be my wife. That moment came, and the dream of seeing that ring on her finger was now undeservingly mine.

Violet and I had now begun a week of playing shows separately, and saying goodbye to her fot the first time in awhile seemed to of drained a bit of energy from me. I was worried about her, sneaking a can of pepper spray into her bag before taking her to the airport. She couldn't seem to see it, but half of the world was in awe with her. Guys drooled over her, sometimes leaving me in a fit of fury as they yelled disgusting things in her direction. It wasn't always envy and desire for her though..there was jealousy and hate, the parts that Violet saw the most, hitting her sensitive little soul like daggers.

"I don't get it..so because I'm a girl..I can't play music?" She held the magazine in her hand, hanging it towards the ground in a slump as she stood in the doorway of our bedroom in a silk slip, wiping her tears away with her other hand and restless from sleep.
Her wide doll eyes stared at me as if asking for answers. My heart sank to the floor as I observed the gorgeous mess in front of me, anger rising in my soul from the humiliation she didn't deserve.
I held her in my arms that night as I told her every reason that the opinions of those useless fucks didn't matter. They couldn't see Violet. They couldn't see the flames that poured from her soul, or the power she held.

Her. Like a forbidden fruit. Ripe and sweet..begging to be bitten into.
I thought of a moment from the first week we had been at the cabin as I sat on the plane, my soul already missing her, and finding any excuse for her to linger in my mind. I smiled down at the clouds below as the memory flooded me.
She was like a little angel, sitting in the garden, batting her eyelashes as if she were trying to shake off the fairy dust that must seep from her very pores. Those eyes..god..those eyes. They pour onto me, taking my breath like icy water..large and wide, like a little doll. Two emeralds that struck me like knifes. She stared at me as if I were life itself, and I questioned everything. How? How did such a sweet creature exist?
"Kurt?" She called my name sweetly, like a magnet, pulling me to her side within seconds.

"Can you bring me my notebook please?" Her voice poured out like honey as she placed the red lollipop between her lips, sucking on it gently as she stared up at me with innocent eyes.
I was trapped, and I didn't want out.

"Seattle's Babydoll"
The cover of a magazine read.
Violet's album cover was plastered along the front, making my heart sink the second I saw it. My skin tingled as I saw her, and I felt like the luckiest human on earth when my eyes lingered on the heart shaped locket that rested on her chest. Something I had given to her on a rooftop once, and that she held very close to her. I chuckled to myself as I saw the words "Going To Hell" written on the mirror in lipstick.

"You're so going to hell after that, Violet. Damn. Haven't your parents taught you anything in church, little girl?" I use to say to her jokingly, after we would sneak around in her parent's house.
Memories that we would always hold close..the beginnings of our love.
She looked beautiful..like an aphrodite that didn't give a fuck.
She was the essence of magic..and she was mine.

Violet's point of view

I wiped the wet, lingering tears from my face as I held onto Kurt's sweater on the airplane to Texas. I knew it was only a little over a week of shows, but I was so use to being around Kurt all the time that it oddly felt like my heart was being torn from my chest.

"Violet..cheer up!! We're getting drunk tonight okay?! Its going to be fine. You're always with Kurt, ya know? I know you love him, but its healthy to have a little time apart, Vi." Emma told me while sitting in the seat next to me, Sarah on the other side of her.

I sighed as my overwhelmed head rested against the plane window. I knew she was right. But she also didn't understand how I felt sick without him.
As if he were a drug to me and I needed him around to function. They didn't understand the scorching fire in my soul that burned for him when he was near me.
The blue flames.

I took shot after shot that night, downing alcohol as if my life depended on it.
I was drunk, laying on the bed in our hotel with my feet kicked up on the wall.
Emma and Sarah were goofing off together, laughing at cartoons and shitty horror films in the floor as they continued to drink. I sat up every now and then, only to down another mouthful of shit I didn't feel like swallowing, but wanted to feel the effects of.
I ended up calling his hotel room where he was staying with Krist and Dave, and it resulted in him escaping to the bathroom with the phone cord stretched underneath the door.

"I want you inside me." I told him, a whimper that I couldn't hold back from my lips.

"Damnit, Violet.." He groaned after a few minutes of me telling him how badly I wanted him before touching himself in the bathroom, with me still on the line.
I had to clench my legs together to prevent myself from doing the same.
It didn't work.

Velouria played a great show that night..until I decided to puke and humiliate myself.
Thankfully I made it to the side of the stage, covering myself up the best I could, but was still slightly embarrassed.
I finished the show though, not daring collapse until I was finished.
All I wanted was a bed.
Even if it was a stupid hotel bed without Kurt nexf to me, all I wanted was to sleep.
I held his shirt close to my face, trying to pretend that he was really there as his scent engulfed me..easing the ache of sudden loneliness.

My hangover had lasted three days..meaning it wasn't a hangover.
Something else was wrong. It was obvious. Plastered all over me.

"Violet..you're scaring me." Sarah told me, holding a sandwhich in her hand as she observed me with a confused expression on her face.

"What do you mean?" I raised an eyebrow, scooping the last bite of my icecream from the container and falling back onto the pillows behind me.

"Well, let's see. First you're sick as hell, puking up your guts..and now you're eating everything in sight.
Violet..you don't think?"

I slowly sat up from the bed to look at her, and suddenly everything was spinning.
The world was now halted, yet spinned faster than it ever had before.