Journal

Then

My life was going good. Great, in fact. I finally felt like I had a family and it was the best feeling. I had James, James' parents who looked after me more than my own parents ever did and James' sister Georgia who had quickly become my best friend even though she was a year younger. James loved me and he told me so everyday- and I believed him. It was the first time I had ever felt loved. All my life I had felt as if there was nowhere for me to belong. Until I became a part of the most wonderful family. This was where I belonged.

For a while I was happy and I realised how much I had missed it all those years. I had forgotten how to be happy but then being surrounded by these amazing people helped me to remember. James' parents were so in love it was so heart-warming to see. Such a difference to my life back home. It made me realise how abnormal my life was; I would be awestruck by the most simple things, a kiss between parents, a hug between siblings. Although it was nice to see, it made me mourn for the life I never had. Yet even that didn't seem to matter because in that moment I had everything I needed.

Until one day a tragedy changed our lives forever. Georgia committed suicide. She was only 14 and she was amazing. Nobody knew she was depressed and suicidal. None of us knew she was being bullied everyday at school except me. I was the only one she told about being bullied and I tried to help but I couldn't. I believed it was my fault. I should've done more, I could've saved her! But I didn't, instead I let her die, it was all my fault.

Everybody tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault because I didn't know she was depressed and nobody expected this. But it was my fault, it was obvious and I couldn't understand why nobody would agree; why nobody hated me or blamed me. Just before she died I had started to get worse again, miserable and self harming. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to save her. It should've been me. 

Her death changed everything. James who was always so happy and full of life shut down, consumed by grief. His parents kept going as best they could but what happened had shattered their hearts. Even the atmosphere of the house changed, you could sense something, or should I say someone, was missing. It left a hole in everybody's lives who knew her. She was so sweet, kind. And happy as far as we knew. She was the one who always cracked a joke, had a funny story to tell, made the rest of us smile. She was loved more than anything.

I tried my best to make up for letting her down, I did everything I could to support them all. I knew I couldn't make it all better but I had to do something. I visited them on my way to and from college every day to check if they were okay or needed anything. It was the hardest time of my life because although I had just lost my best friend and it was all my fault, it was up to me to keep this family going.