What a lovely day to be miserable. Currently it's 86 degrees out and I'm out early....doing nothing. I have a lot on my mind and - I just can't get the words out so I'm going to try. It might be awkwardly written at first but I need to start somewhere. Last night my grandma and I wanted to go out for dinner since I hate her cooking and I'm waaay too lazy to cook anything myself. We decided on this cute little stand that's a decent distance away from us. Sooooo we set out and finally we got there. It was packed!!! There was a parking helper- it was a disaster. Then I realized that the last time I had been there was with my dad and his friend at the time. I immediately lost the little appetite I had since I already wasn't feeling that great. All I could remember was that day. It was a good day from what little I can remember. So dear old grandma kept bothering me and finally I picked a mini chicken tender meal. The wait was awful. There were flies biting us- I just wanted to go. Finally our food came and there was no room to sit outside, so we ate in the car. I was already on edge so everything was getting to me. Getting out of there was hell. I was overjoyed when we left. Then we decided to go for a mini drive and suddenly we ended up where my dad's house use to be. It bothered me a lot more than it usually does and I think that's because I literally just wrote a memoir about the place so I had all those old memories floating around inside my head and to see it as it is in person versus in my head kinda tore me apart. As we were driving past, I saw a swamp and I was like "There's probably hundreds of dead cats in that swamp." Gory I know. But we had honestly a hundred cats and when the stupid factory next door took over, they probably ran the cats out of there. I can't imagine where else they could've went since there's no trace of any living creature. Oh great- I'm about to start bawling my eyes out. I just miss it all SO much!!!! Anyway so fast forward to the middle of the night. All I dreamt about last night was everything I saw yesterday with my side comments. It was an actual nightmare that just kept going. I ended up waking up at 5:22 in the morning and stayed up the rest of the day. That nightmare is haunting me!!! Also I never tell my grandma any of my thoughts about that place because- well I don't know. I guess to me that was like my "secret life" and I just figure she wouldn't understand. But this morning I told her about my nightmare and tried to laugh it off like I really wasn't that bothered but I really was- more than anyone could possibly understand. So today has been hell for me. In English I have a paper due tomorrow but I hate everything about it. In my tech class I have a never ending list of things I need to do and get done by a certain time. I need to find dress pants for my upcoming choir concert and fast. I have to make sure I pass all my classes so I can graduate. But then there's Jake.... Now I'm an overly nice person and I hate myself for it. Jake's going through problems and I'm losing sleep over his problems. Not sure if I mentioned this but his mom is dying of cancer. It's spreading fast and he's leaving to see her tomorrow.... Wow I didn't realize how close that is.... Woah..... Okay so he's leaving tomorrow and he'll be gone for four days. Now I wish that I wasn't in love with him because those four days are going to be torture!!! I've promised myself I won't contact him in any way besides telling him safe travels tonight, for tomorrow since he's leaving at 6AM. I saw him the other day and he was in an awful mood. It was rough but at least he waved to me. My grandma told me that there's an almost definite possibility that he'll be in an even worse mood when he gets back. Everyone keeps describing him as depressed, but I don't see that. I see deep, dark, endless, hatred. And I get it. Everyone deals with death in a different way. Eight year old me cried endlessly and had to be picked up and dragged away. It's rough. So I've decided (and it might not be a good decision either). But I don't know how he'll be when he gets back or anything that will have happened. All I know is if he comes back like he is now or worse; I need to be there for him. I don't care what any of my family says. I will march into his room to get him and drag him out of the house if I have to. I will endlessly bombard him with "Let's hang out today" texts. I will even be mean if I have to. I know what he's going through and I can't let him be alone. That's the dangerous part that no one ever told me and failed to inform me on. That's when your thoughts overtake you and drive you to insanity by 'What if...' and 'Well maybe if I had..' and endless other things that make one suffer. He'll definitely need a friend or someone there, and I plan on being that person. He's already pushing me away which makes this harder but I'll figure something out. Okay enough sad depressing shit- time for some news!!! So I've decided to make an Instagram dedicated to this website!!!! YAY!!!! It will have book updates, sneak peeks, facts you don't know about a chapter or character, just anything. I might also show parts of my day :) I'm excited and I hope you are too!! I'm trying to give you more ways to connect with me and I'm trying to relate as much as possible. So follow me :
@jenna_rose_5205
Later my loves and see ya on the flip side :) :* :)
