hard feelings [ poetry + vents ]

a letter to mother

dear mama

hi

these are all the things i want to tell you but i cant

i know you work really hard given dads away a lot

and i know youre really stressed

and trust me i want to help i really do

but you never tell me how

and when im having a panic attack and you dont know what to do

just- just stay away

i don't mean to make you feel bad, but I need space, and when youre trying to comfort me and help

you just make it worse

so much worse

if im comfortable ill come back to you when its over

okay

you did nothing wrong in most instances

but in the instances where you are drinking

and you talk to me

i want to leave and never come back

and all the arguments you have with dad and nicole

theyre tearing our family apart

and thats not just your fault

its thiers too,

but when i am all by myself comforting (little brother) when im scared too

but no

i have to be brave i have to look on the bright side

i cant cry with him

I AM THE DAUGHTER.

NOT THE MOTHER OR THE FATHER

I SHOULD NOT BE IN THERE TELLING HIM IT WILL ALL BE OKAY

I AM SCARED TOO

and oh god all the pressure you put on me

i dont want to disappoint you

but im so scared i will

so i don't try anything new

because whats the point if im set to fail

but through it all

i love you

because you are my mama

and i am your daughter

and hopefully

thats enough for you

-(my real name)