Starting Over

Chapter Twelve ; Drowning

Chapter Twelve ; Drowning

Over the next couple of days, I could feel myself slipping more into that darkness. I had found a comfortable spot there and didn’t plan on moving anytime soon. Acceptance was something I needed to work on and that’s just what I planned on doing. Part of me knew that wasn’t true though, I could feel it throughout the day trying to fight its way through to me but each time I could feel it crawling its way out of the dark I would just push it back down. Hope would only set me up for a huge let down. I had even talked my mom into canceling the rest of my therapy this week, lying and telling her I just ‘needed a break’.

“You alright?” A voice called out, snapping me out of my thoughts. Kade was standing beside our lunch table with two trays. He sat one down in front of me before collapsing into the seat across from me. “You and your nurse get into a fight?” He asked, gulping down some of his water. My brows scrunched together as I looked up at him. “What?” Was he talking about Mary Sunshine? Why would he think we had gotten in a fight? I just stared at him with a confused look smeared across my face. “Yea, your pretty little nurse. Have you all had any time to…ya know… play doctor?” He wiggled his brow at me as he took a big bite of his sandwich, dripping mayo off his chin and down his shirt. Then it hit me, he was talking about Ellie. “Dude… no.” I just shook my head as I dug into my fries, laughing at the mess he was making. “Is she free game then? I mean I haven’t role played before but the thought of having her nurse my-“I quickly cut him off by throwing one of my fries directly at his face. “She’s off limits.” The words came out with more force than I had intended, Kade’s expression changed at the sound of my voice, the corner of his mouth tugged upwards into a grin. “Does Coley-woley have a thing for the nurse?” He leaned across the table as if waiting for me to spill some deep secret to him. I just shook my head and continued with my lunch, doing my best to ignore him. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it when a group of the guys crashed our table.

He was wrong though, I didn’t have a crush on her – I just found her interesting. Crushes weren’t something I did, sure I dated a little here and there, but it was just for fun. I didn’t like the whole serious thing – it just wasn’t my style.  There was just something about her that had drawn me in.

I’m not sure how long I had zoned out for but was snapped out of my thoughts when the whole table turned to stare at me. Shit, I hadn’t been listening to anything anyone had said. “What?” I asked, looking around for some hint as to what they had all been talking about. Brice finally spoke up, “Party…this weekend. You’ve been in a funk and we need to pull you out. What better way than a welcome back party?” All the guys began chattering about who they needed to invite, where they were going to have it and who would supply the party favors. Did they really think I would want to go to a party right now considering the last time I went to one I ended up in a wheelchair? Before I could speak up everyone had packed up their things and headed out of the lunchroom. I glanced over at Kade and he gave me a half smile, “They mean well… I think…besides they are having it at Mark’s house, he has that whole game room. It will be fun.” He shrugged a little and stood up. “Need any help?” He asked, nodding towards my tray. “Nah, I got it. Thanks man.” He nodded and headed out of the lunchroom.

The rest of the afternoon I had let myself sink back into that dark place. The thought of having a party didn’t seem to help my mood much either. As I turned away from my locker I spotted her, Ellie was standing to the side of the hallway trying her best not to get ran over by a group of girls. “Ellie!” I called out, wheeling my way over to her. As much as I wasn’t really thrilled with the idea of having a party this would be the perfect chance to get to know Ellie some. Her doe eyes looked up at me as I called her name. She looked like a deer in headlights as I made my way over to her. “Hey.” I smiled, coming to a stop in front of her. “Hey.” She waved awkwardly, I couldn’t help but notice how nervous she seemed. I wonder if it was me that made her nervous or if she was just this way with everyone. “I was wondering if you had plans for Friday night?” There was this odd feeling brewing in my stomach as the thought hit me – she might turn me down. ”Oh…um just working.” She shrugged a little, glancing around the hallway. “The guys are throwing me a welcome back party…I’m not super excited about it to be honest but if you came it would be a lot easier to bare.” I leaned back in my chair, trying my best to look as relaxed as possible. My lip twitched into a smile as she chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes falling to the floor. Her lip slipped out from between her teeth before she spoke. “Yea.. if I get off work in enough time I could maybe stop by for a bit.” My half ass smile turned into a full-blown grin, “here give me you phone.” I reached my hand out, waiting for her to hand over the device. She fiddled in her pocket for a moment before sliding her phone into my hand. I quickly sent myself a text from her phone. “Here. Now you have my number and I can text you the directions.” She glanced down at her phone than back at me. “Okay. yea…sounds cool.” She nodded her head a little. “Awesome, I will see you then.” Before I could do or say something to make her change her mind I spun around and rolled down the hall. I couldn’t get over the odd smile still lingering on my lips – maybe Kade was right, maybe I did have a little crush.

By the time I got to the party on Friday night it was a full-blown house party. There were so many people jammed into this house and I can honestly say I knew only half of the people there. Ellie had to work until ten, so I didn’t rush to get there before then. As I moved slowly through the house I couldn’t ignore the nauseous feeling growing in my stomach as flashes of the last party I attended popped up in my head.  The images seemed so real that I could even smell the burning rubber from the car tires. The loud noise pulsing through the house had my head spinning – I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead -  it felt like I was drowning, and I needed to get out of here. My hands were unsteady as I reached for the backdoor and maneuvered myself into the cool air. This was a mistake, I knew it was a bad idea to come here. I let my face rest against my palms as I tried to control my breathing. Perfect. I thought as I rubbed my hands against my burning eyes, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my night, on the edge of a panic attack.

Why did I think I could just go back to the way things used to be? Nothing was the same anymore. Fuck, I needed a distraction.