Friends... Or more?

Chapter 14

I slowly opened my eyes and almost had a heart attack when I could only see blackness until I realized I had my face buried in Levi's hair. My entire body's heavy and when I shift into a more comfortable position I hiss from pain that spikes from my ass to the middle if my back. Levi stirs and I freeze not wanting to wake him up though its to no avail because he opens his eyes and looks up at me concerned. "You okay?" He asks drowsily.
"Yeah, just a bit sore" I reply with a small grin. He laughs quietly and rubs circles into my lower back gently. I sigh in relief and close my eyes to focus solely on the touch. I shift myself again and realize with a crinkle of my nose that we didn't shower last night. Levi notices also and helps me up so we can both shower, which may or may not have led to some shower activities. We both got dressed in comfy clothes and went down to the kitchen. Levi's mother had left some pre-made food in the fridge for us to heat up so we ate that and settled ourselves on the couch. "I really should pack..." I said disappointedly. And Levi dismissed that with a wave of his hand.
"My mom already did that" he said getting up and looking for a movie. My eyes widened in surprise and I briefly wondered when she did that before dismissing the thought as well and getting up to help Levi. The pain from this morning flared up again but much stronger when I stood up and I collapsed on the floor with a loud gasp. Levi's head whipped around and he dropped the disc he was holding in his haste to come help me. He took my hand and wrapped his other arm around my waist pulling me back onto the couch. His eyes were full of concern and guilt and I tried to lighten the mood with a laugh but it ended up just sounding awkward and forced which made Levi more concerned. I pulled my legs up on the couch next to me and leaned back into the cushion trying to look relaxed.
"I'm fine" I reassured him but he still gathered pillows and piled them around me to make me more comfortable. "Levi, I said I'm fine. It's not like I'm a pregnant lady!" I said annoyed and he froze and eyed my stomach. "Don't even think about it..." I said in a defensive voice. And Levi sits on the floor looking lost in thought. "What are you thinking about?" I ask leaning forward.
"Oh, nothing..." He said looking slightly sad but quickly putting on a blank face.
"Tell.me.now." I said with a stern expression. He looked up at me defeated and settled on the couch next to me with a sigh.
"I was just thinking... You know... It would be nice to have a kid" he said with a flinch as if he thought I would hit him. When the slap didn't come he looked up confused and was met with an expression just as confused as his.
"Couldn't we just adopt?" I ask him and my confusion grows as he tenses up and gives me a pained look.
"Yes, but I meant actually having a kid. Like have a biological child" he finishes and looks away from me to the wall with an uncomfortable expression. That comment stopped me short and the realization dawned on me. I'm a male, I can't provide that to Levi. Waves of guilt washed over me and a cold sadness fixed itself on my heart. The pain must have been evident on my face because Levi immediately switched the subject and asked what movie I wanted to watch. I but a blank face on and said a random movie title from the pile in front of me. He settled on the couch next to me and subtlety tried to pull me in close to him. I pretended I didn't notice him because I was interested in the movie but really I was lost in my own thoughts. Wave after wave of guilt crashed into me and I felt myself sinking into the darkness and despair that I had been in on the night I tried to commit suicide. My breathing's even but I feel like I'm hyperventilating and I know I'm going into a panic attack. I excuse myself to the bathroom and I'm careful in not making any noise when I lock the door behind me. I look quickly for a shaving razor and when I find one I unravel my bandages and sit on the toilet. I take a deep breath and lower the razor to my skin. I suddenly freeze up and look horrified at the hand holding the razor. My hand starts trembling and and is followed by the rest of my body. I really do start to hyperventilate, breaths coming in short rough gasps and I put my head between my knees. I rock myself back and forth and try to block out the onslaught of horrible thoughts.
"You can deal with this" I kept repeating to myself until I had calmed down enough to be able to go out and look normal. I flushed the toilet and ran the water before changing my bandages to make some excuse for the amount of time I had been in here. I took one look at the still clean razor and put it back were I had found it. I unlocked the door and took a deep breath before putting on my mask and walking back outside. Levi looked up and have me smile that felt like a stab in the heart to me. "That can never be truly for you..." A deep part of my brain thought and I forced a smile back at him before sitting back down and letting him wrap his arm around me. Every touch and smile he gave me felt like a razor digging deeper and deeper into my skin. Every time he kissed me I swear I could pin point the moment i felt my heart tear open a bit more. I had to sit on my hands to keep them from trembling and I knew that if the movie didn't end soon I was gonna have a mental breakdown. "Levi is perfect, and what the hell are you?" "It's obvious this won't work..." "I wonder why he even stayed with you this long" "he probably just wants you for sex". Thoughts like this kept coming at me but my face never showed any of it. I laughed at the funny parts in the movie to hide the fact I felt like I was dying. I snuggled closer to him to hide the fact I thought I was just being selfish. I didn't cry even though I thought I would burst open if I didn't. The movie ended and I said I was gonna get some fresh air before I rushed outside and suffered alone through another panic attack. I went back inside and Levi looked at me skeptically. "Don't cause trouble..." I thought and I have him a grin and said the least true thing possible, "What? I'm fine."